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BUTCH JONES INTERVIEWS AN OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR CANDIDATE

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COWER BEFORE HIS MIGHTY PLAYCALLING

Jim Brown-USA TODAY Sports

BUTCH JONES: (presses speaker button) Lisa, can you send the next one in, please?

INTERCOM: He's, um, actually outside your window.

BUTCH: What, like rappelling or something? I told Al Borges he could just use the front entrance like everyone else. Wait, I don't see anyone.

INTERCOM: Believe me, Coach, he's out there.

SUNSPHERE: YOU THINK KEEPING SUNSPHERE WAITING WILL GIVE YOU A NEGOTIATING ADVANTAGE? TIME IS NOTHING TO SUNSPHERE! YOU FRET OVER THE PASSAGE OF YEARS AS YOUR DOUGHY FORM DECAYS AND YELLOWS, LIKE AN OLD NEWSPAPER YOUR NEIGHBOR NEVER PICKED UP WHILE YOU WERE ON VACATION.

BUTCH: ...

SUNSPHERE: YES, SILENCE IS YOUR BEST APPROACH ON THIS DAY. SILENCE AND HUMILITY THAT SUNSPHERE HAS BOTHERED TO SPEAK TO YOU AT ALL. FOR SUNSPHERE IS INTRIGUED BY THE OPPORTUNITY TO COMMAND YOUR OFFENSIVE FORCES. SUNSPHERE WILL LEAD THEM SOUTHWARD TO GLORIOUS VICTORY AGAINST SUNSPHERE'S COUSIN, SPACESHIP EARTH.

BUTCH: But UCF's not on our schedule.

SUNSPHERE: EXCUSE SUNSPHERE FOR THINKING YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY WANT A FLORIDA VICTORY FOR ONCE. ASS.

BUTCH: Look, I'm just not sure you understand the posit-

SUNSPHERE: OH SUNSPHERE UNDERSTANDS ALL TOO WELL. YOU WANT YOUR OFFENSE TO BE MULTIPLE? SUNSPHERE CONTAINS EVERY POSSIBLE ANGLE. WOULD YOU LIKE TO INSTALL THE READ OPTION? SUNSPHERE HANDS OFF TO DARKNESS ONCE A DAY, BUT NEVER AT THE EXACT SAME TIME. PASSING GAME? SUNSPHERE ALREADY DOMINATES THE AIR. RUNNING THE BALL?

SUNSPHERE IS THE FUCKING I FORMATION.

BUTCH: Let me ask you this. Why would an omnipotent, omniscient, ageless mirrorball god even bother applying for a coordinator position with a college football team?

SUNSPHERE: SUNSPHERE NEEDS DENTAL COVERAGE.