The following is an intercepted email between prominent Arkansas alumnus and Cowboys owner Jerry Jones and Razorback A.D. Jeff Long.
TO: Jeff Long, University of Arkansas Director of Athletics
FROM: Jerry Jones, Arlington Director of These Streets
what the fucking fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck?
i gave you ten million dollars of my money with the expectation that you would use it for cool shit like a paintball robocop or a percocet waterfall or a space shuttle made out of tortilla shell with ground beef inside holding bay so when it takes off you get a giant goddamn taco streaking through the sky telling iran they can LITERALLY EAT OUR DUST.
"earmark it for whatever you gotta to keep the ncaa happy, just make sure you spend it on something worthy of the jerry jones name." was that not clear to you? or did you really think hiring dan "mad men character with two lines" enos was within that realm? the only thing i want from central michigan is a hunting rifle with the serial number filed off. (it's not for michael irvin this time.)
swear to god. you keep this up and i will force dave campo to be your basketball coach. he's a bus-farter, too. make your whole road trip smell like spoiled yogurt.
p.s. tell bret the english-korean translation for "i wasn't there, officer" he gave me was extremely helpful.