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HOW WE HAVE ALREADY ABANDONED NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

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ROLL TIDE

1. To be a kinder, more mature person and football fan. They seemed benign enough: large, schlumpy, OTP residents headed to the zoo for the day dressed in head-to-toe FSU gear. The man's gigantic FSU hat was worn like old NASCAR drivers used to wear hats: fresh off the convenience store rack, and high enough off his head to hide a good-sized sandwich under. That sandwich would probably be, if we were betting on it, a Zaxby's Chicken Club. (Which, for the record, is delicious.)

Before I could do anything the words "GO DUCKS" roared out of my mouth. They bypassed the amygdala completely, just shot straight up from the limbic system. We didn't even know they'd come out, or that our hands were raised over our head. If you think someone would just happily smile and nod, oh ho ho ho dear reader THAT WAS NOT THE CASE. Their faces turned cold; they stiffened and grew an inch taller. The woman clutched the stroller so hard her fingers turned white. Did I mention they were with their kids? They were. The man's lips disappeared in a scowl, and it looked like he was going to swing on me. (He was large and I would have died on contact.)

My wife made komodo dragon noises behind me, and told my children I had embarrassed them. Did I mention I was with my kids? I was! This was accurate, and I would have apologized if I'd had any control over it whatsoever. I didn't. I want to say that I hope they had a good day at the zoo, and that this spoiled nothing. The person saying this is a liar, and I hope it ruined their whole fucking day by thirty-nine points worth of negative life experience because I am not far enough along on my walk with Jesus to be more mature.

P.S. They took a really, really long time to figure out a comeback. Like a good thirty seconds or so. Noting that makes me a smaller person, and I acknowledge that, too.

2. To be a better father. See above.

3. To be a better husband. Refer again to point one.

4. To eat better. Went to Texas. Holds stomach, presses "QUIT WITHOUT SAVING" over and over again.

5. To be patient with Florida football. You see, Jim McElwain just took over and there's a lot to be done to roll back the ravages of the Muschamp era. It'll take time, and patience, and--

MuschampDammit

Didn't even make it two weeks before we broke out the Windex Coladas. Not even two fucking weeks.

6. To make a successful detective show on Fox. WILL NOTHING PLEASE YOU, SEPINWALL?

7. To read more things that are not on the internet. This is written down on a piece of paper along with a bunch of other things and when we remember how to read our handwriting we will get right on that.

8. To rewatch games that might be interesting now. The only one we've rewatched was Wake Forest/Virginia Tech 2014, so yeah. That's how that's gone.

9. Work on that book. Let's look in on that progress:

Far Cry 4 is writing. It is. Yup.

10. Buy pants. We actually did this. Success is the wind and we are flying the kite of our souls so very high up in its zephyrs already. First pants; then, the world.