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OFFSEASON RE-ENTRY TIPS

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GO EASY TO PREVENT INJURY

1. Don't stand up too quickly. Picture an astronaut fresh from re-entry after an extremely long stay in space. That's you right now after five months spent largely on the couch. Ask for help; send for an ox-cart if necessary. (If you do not have a local ox-cart dealer, call Barry Switzer and he'll get you set up with one immediately.)

2. Drink a glass of water. Then have a second. You're flushing your body of all the salt, saturated fat, and gristle you ingested while watching football games. Remember how you were going to incorporate more vegetables into your fall diet? Yeah. Yeah.

3. Start conversations with non-sports people slowly. Think of things from current events you can discuss without inviting too much controversy or negativity, like—

[reviews last six months of headlines]

—the weather. Maybe you should just talk about the weather.

4. You may be overwhelmed by the everyday tasks that piled up while you were slumbering in your football chrysalis. Don't be! Just make a list, and start working through the items one by one. Start with doing your taxes. The ones from 2012.

5. Children are named many things. Backdate them by age, and try calling them whatever names were popular in the date of their birth. Ex: Put down that kerosene tank, 2livecrew! Get over here right now, Chingy!

6. READ, and read Something BeNeficiAl To your braIn, sOul, aNd spirit.

7. Flip your mattress. You never know what you might find under there, like SHIT IT'S WILL MUSCHAMP RUNNNNN--

8. Measles/mumps booster. It's a long story, but that's the last time we go to the Independence Bowl.