PROJECTING CARDALE JONES

Later this afternoon, Ohio State's Cardale Jones will hold a press conference where, one presumes, he will announce whether or not he intends to return to Columbus as a redshirt junior. If you're looking for analysis of how well Jones projects as an NFL prospect, you are entirely in the wrong place. But if you want to know how Cardale Jones fits in a variety of other, non-football settings, congratulations and welcome!

BASEBALL

I can find no record of Cardale Jones playing baseball in high school. But we know that he a) has a crazy strong arm and b) is very hard to take down. To me, that says "pitcher who beans dudes a lot and then kicks their asses when they try to charge the mound." That makes Jones an amazing addition to any team and a late first round prospect at worst.

BASKETBALL

Jones did play basketball in high school, though his numbers weren't all that impressive: low shooting percentage, not much of a defensive rebounder. At 6'5" and 250 pounds, Cardale Jones isn't tall enough to play power forward but he's too heavy to play small forward, which means a team taking him would have to see if he can cut weight and improve his speed. But: dude can leap.

Given that, I can see someone like the Nets reaching in the early second round for Cardale.

HOCKEY

Nothing suggests Cardale Jones has played organized hockey, but he would be the tallest and heaviest player on the Columbus Blue Jackets. I'm not even sure if he can ice skate. Unfortunately, this means I must recommend that he not be drafted.

GOLF

Golf doesn't have a draft, because golf doesn't have individual franchises. Golfers have to do everything alone and never feel any twinge of connection to another human being. (The caddy does not count because he wears that ridiculous white jumpsuit, to indicate that he is less than the golfer.)

AMERICAN GLADIATORS

Dude's basically an Atlasphere come to life.

The Gladiators should take him in the first round with the first overall pick.

THE MOTION PICTURE INDUSTRY

Jones shows an ability and willingness to improvise while also understanding the need to stick to the general parameters of the script. While he does not have any screen credits today, he could easily become the most awesome Batman ever and should not be taken later than the second round.

THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME

Though hunting another man does not necessarily have a formal draft process, our richest and most immoral hunters do spend lots of time and resources determining who would present the most interesting challenge on a human hunting island. While Jones's size may reduce his stealth, he is a tenacious opponent and is already behind you holding a knife to your throat it's too late.