I am a good person.
I am agnostic, but acceptably so. I provide directions to tourists that are generally correct. I believe firmly in your right to offend me, and to do so publicly. I believe in kindness and the power of the human spirit. I am a huge fan of your children, probably. They are cute and orderly. You are doing a good job with them. I am reasonable. I am hard-working. I pick up litter and throw it away in its designated receptacle.
But I watched Ohio State win the College Football Playoff National Championship game on Monday night. And I was not a good person.
Rivalry is silly, as you well know. Ohio State University and the University of Michigan are remarkably similar in many ways, in that both are large universities with piles of money with which to build buildings and name them after people who give them more piles of money. I know many people who have attended Ohio State, and many of those people are lovely. These are true things.
Even the internet told me that I should be rooting for the Big Ten, because loyalty! Fealty! Midwest! Bread covered in cheese! Here is a sweatshirt and there is a place you are going, let's drive for two hours and consider it to be a fairly standard afternoon! You were raised in Ohio, Jane! Come home, metaphorically!
I did not watch the entire game. But I knew where this was going around the time the first person tweeted "damn, can anyone tackle Cardale Jones" and roughly right when Ezekiel Elliott ran for his first touchdown through the humanoid sticks of unsalted butter who had replaced the Oregon secondary. I went to bed at halftime, despite the protestations of my girlfriend. "But they had ducks on their jerseys!" "But the game could turn around!" "But you love football!" All technically true, my love. But no adorable duck, no vagaries of the game of football, no deep-seeded love for the sport could force me to watch a team I place somewhere near "dial-up internet" on my Pyramid of Loathing win it all.
I hate Ohio State.
I hate its stupid colors. I hate its stupid mascot (WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, BRUTUS?) I hate its moronic fans, despite the fact that Michigan fans are also dumb, because all fans are dumb. I hate Ohio State in the marrow of my bones, with every atom of my being, with every fiber of the Michigan sweatshirt I bought during Welcome Week and now barely counts as "clothing."
My hatred is personal. My hatred is all-encompassing. I hate you, Urban Meyer. I hope you are indicted on trumped-up charges of tax evasion. I hate you, Cardale Jones, who has to be cheating because no one is that good at anything three games in. I hate you, Ohio State offensive line, because you are probably bears and bears aren't allowed to play football. The Big Ten is Michigan and 13 other teams I hope Michigan beats into the deepest bowels of the earth, but I hope that Ohio State is beaten the furthest.
I always root against Ohio State. If Ohio State is playing Michigan State, I root for Michigan State despite MSU being Michigan's moronic younger cousin who has four kids by 21 but seems all okay with it and everything while Michigan is CEO at a start-up with an acute anxiety disorder and $78,000 in student loan debt. Despite my lack of allegiance to the Big Ten conference and Jim Delaney's egg-shaped skull, if Ohio State is playing any Big Ten team, I am rooting for Any Big Ten Team (even you, Iowa!) If Ohio State were playing the 2004 USC Trojans, I would be wearing some weird Reggie Bush throwback jersey. If Ohio State were playing Maoist China, then call me the Great Leap Fucking Forward, let's get Reddest Red Sun on these haters.
Football: this unstoppable hellbeast OSU team was losing to Michigan at halftime and lost to a VT team that lost to ECU the next week.— Jane Coaston (@cjane87) January 13, 2015
Reminder: the same day that Virginia Tech ran over Ohio State, Michigan lost by roughly 3,000 points to a Notre Dame team that would later fall off of a literal cliff. Michigan also lost to Ohio State in a manner that was not nearly as bad as anyone expected (the worst way to lose of all). I do not care.
I am insane. I am childish. I once drank an entire bottle of wine while watching Michigan and God's favored child Denard Robinson lose in Ohio Stadium to an undefeated Ohio State team BANNED FROM BOWL COMPETITION FYI JUST WANTED TO MENTION THAT FOR NO REASON. I then cried and continued to do so while walking to get pizza, ordering the pizza, walking back home with the pizza, and then cried while eating the pizza. My hatred is deeper than the bounds of reality. It is emotion, and rage, and mild disgust. It is unending.
I hate Ohio State. I will hate Ohio State forever. And this national championship has done nothing to slake my thirst for their complete and total annihilation, preferably while I am watching and have some guacamole or something.
Go Blue. And go straight to the fires of Hades, Ohio State.