THE CURIOUS INDEX HAS NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF

EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL. RETURN TO YOUR HOMES. THERE IS NO CAUSE FOR ALARM. WE ARE TAKING STEPS TO ENSURE THAT MICHIGAN STILL MAKES A JANUARY BOWL GAME. THAT THEY WILL LOSE BY TWENTY. RETURN TO YOUR HOMES.

PARENT TEACHER CONFERENCES ARE GONNA BE SO AWKWARD. Look, Pat Haden just loves his kids. Is that so wrong? Sure, he left that one at the airport the one time. But he was a real sass mouth, and now he's doing so much better at Tuscaloosa Paramilitary Academy! He might even learn to dress like a grown up!

IRRELEVANCE DOES NOT LEAD TO CARING. The Coaches Poll has Virginia Tech at 19 and Ohio State at 18, which one could view as an extremely Coaches Poll move. Or! Or!!! Maybe this is a sign that the coaches are giving an irrelevant poll the attention it deserves. Vote Washington State number three. Leave Oregon unranked. Put Kansas State at 7, 14, and 20. Burn it all!

HEY LOOK IT'S MY FACE. Shameless self-promotion, I know, but there's a picture of me as a baby in here and AWW LOOK AT THE LITTLE FELLA HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THAT HE'LL GROW UP TO LIVE IN A WORLD WITH REDDIT.

ETC. Dreadnoughtus. Dreadnoughtus. Dread. Nought. Us.