HATIN' ASS SPURRIER TAKES WEEK 5 DOWN A PEG

Ray Goff never wore a headset either, Brady Hoke.

I wouldn't say Dave Brandon's turned Michigan into a Domino's. That pizza only makes you sick some of the time.

I agree this isn't the time to attack Brady Hoke's integrity. That torso still looks capable of repelling gunfire at close range.

Why doesn't Dave Brandon have a PR statement tracker that'll tell you when it's gonna be ready? I wanna know when the fourth lawyer's looking at it.

Can't fault the medical staff too much. Nobody else in Michigan Stadium's standing up either.

Our concussion protocols at South Carolina are pretty clear. We just show them this.

Minnesota's got the Jug now, but good luck cleanin' all the Velveeta outta it.

Christian Hackenberg's not a statue, so I'm not really sure why Penn State's having problems with him

Jesus was the son of a carpenter, so maybe that's why Georgia always plays Close To losin'.

Y'all gotta ease up on Bo Wallace. Memphis causes problems for every health care professional.

Connecticut-Temple? These dang Zelda games keep gettin' shittier.

Iowa's gonna win the Big Ten, because the whole conference is an actuarial table and the Hawkeyes are "heart disease."

An Iowa-Purdue game is like if Jonestown had commercial breaks.

Now, now, y'all, I'm just kidding. Jonestown had the decency to only play the once.

If I wanted to run for three and a half hours straight, poop myself, and cry at the end of it, well, I'd go run a marathon, Arkansas.I'd watch a Cal game but I lost enough friends to drugs in the seventies.

Don't know if I'd fire Charlie Weis in broad daylight. Do it like that and people might remember that you hired him.

Kansas is something special. Go 6-22 from the field in football or basketball and you'll still get paid.

Florida State did nothing early and then hastily slapped together a result they hope nobody'll look too closely at. That'll get you a commendation at the Tallahassee Police Department.

Florida's got some really good offensive talent. It's all in the ACC, but still.

The last time someone lost in two different conferences Stalin ended up with Poland, but Will Muschamp was always the Winston Churchill of college football.

He's got nothing to offer but blood, sweat, and tears, which is why the ball gets so slippery when Florida's playing offense.

Urban Meyer's got the best football team in the state of Ohio, which is kind of like having the best credit score in the state of Ohio.

Cincinnati still cut that Ohio State defense right up the gut, so I guess the Skyline Chili offense is fully operational now.

Saw Syracuse and Notre Dame had a fight in the stands Saturday. Linkedin beef kills, y'all.

Next time you think something's impossible, remember that a Notre Dame quarterback won in an NFL stadium on Saturday.

Miami beat Duke, but the real winner when these two meet is unprosecuted white-collar crime as a profession.

Now Miami-Georgia Tech's gonna be like global warming: coastal implications that we're all just happy to ignore.

Georgia Tech's undefeated? Y'all sure Jurassic Park isn't real?

Trojans wore out the Beavers in the wee hours of the morning? Well, someone needed to get screwed in that stadium besides Lane Kiffin, I guess.

Ed Orgeron's looking for a job? Why doesn't he just try to steal one from Tulane?

Only two people died last year from shark attack. Utah somehow lost a game to Wazzu, and when are the Cougs getting two weeks on the Discovery Channel is what I'm asking here.

Alabama and Ole Miss play in the same place this week, so Salt Life stickers are as good as cash in Oxford this weekend.

Didn't know the second part of the Stanford Prison Experiment was locking yourself inside the red zone and starving to death.

Todd Graham, the last time I saw someone beat up in the desert like that it was in the middle of cornfield and Robert De Niro was telling me about it.

Maty Mauk put a pretty good lick on me Saturday. Hit harder than anyone on our defense did all night, at least.

Guess I thought a two minute drive from Gary Pinkel couldn't end badly. 'Course, so did Gary not too long ago.

It's called the SEC East "race" because nobody down here is good at dealing with it.