[SCENE: Charlie Weis sits on the discarded sets of this summer's short-lived 2Pac-derived Broadway musical, which is a real thing that I swear happened]
[well, the musical part did]
CHARLIE: I like this. Reminds me I'm not the only expensive failure around.
It's time to bury another gig, nobody cry
Life as a ballcoach
Wheel routes and deep throw calls
We used to call 'em for Belichick do you recall
Loc'd out and blazed some D's
Get on the dome, I got pushed out with blame on me
Team meetings boring and we ain't got snacks out
Mumblin 'SCHEMES 'TIL I DIE" before I passed out
but now that it's gone I'm thinkin' I don't wanna lose another job
but now it's gone
BRADY HOKE: hey Charlie. I'm feelin' down. Feel like all eyes on me this week. Like everyone's out to get me...
CHARLIE WEIS: go ahead man, say what you feel.
BRADY, taking mic: I got nothin' to lose... it's just me against the world
Can you picture my prophecy?
Stress in Ann Arbor, fans are out for me
The Big Ten's full of bullies, my QBs droppin'
There ain't no stopping me
Constantly losin' while makin' millions
Don't wanna make excuses, 'cause this is how it is
What's the use unless we're 'crootin, no one notices the Blue
It's just me against the world, Charlie
WEIS: Hey, I understand what you're feelin'.
[door opens] I understand too.
CHARLIE: Hey! Will! Haven't seen you in a couple years.
WILL MUSCHAMP: Things got worse after you left, Charlie.
CHARLIE: How the hell is that possible? I painted eyes on my eyelids so I could sleep during games.
WILL: I almost lost to Kentucky.
CHARLIE: The one in Kentucky? Geez, Will.
WILL: can I just sing my song
CHARLIE: can I nap during it
WILL: They say we gotta make a change
It's time us as a team to start makin' some changes
Let's change the way we pass, let's change the way we block, and let's change the way we run the damn ball
You see, the old way isn't workin'... and it's on me to do what I gotta do to survive
[beat kicks in]
I fear coaching changes! Can't a coach get a little peace? We got Driskel at QB and we're stuck in the SEC East
CHARLIE, awaking startled: ART NO oh god Will I thought that beat was Baylor you scared me
WILL, kicking dirt: aw heck I just can't do anything right.
CHARLIE: Now, listen, both of you. Look, I'm not happy about getting fired, but you can't worry. I mean, yes, you're both going to get fired. Brady, I'm surprised you lasted longer than me. But you can't take it to heart. I tell you where we're gonna go.
[picks up acoustic guitar]
Shit, I'm tired of getting shot at.
Tired of gettin' criticism and second-guessin'
Bad coaches need a spot where we can kick it
A spot where we belong, that's just for us
Don't gotta get all dressed up and look like Kingsbury
Y' kna' mean? Where do bad coaches go when we're fired?
Ain't no heaven for a bad coach, Brady.
That's why we go to Buyout Mansion.
That's the only place where bad coaches get in free, and you gotta come with me
To Buyout Mansion
A place to spend my retirement, do some TV work
So much pressure in this life of mine, I cry at times
I once contemplated quittin' it, and woulda tried
But then I checked my contract, I could see my consolation prize
No one knows our struggle, they only see the trouble
Not knowin' it's hard to carry on when no one loves you
But I got a spot for us all, so we can ball, at Buyout Mansion
Every conference, every campus
There's a place where life's a little easy
Little time for me, laid back and cool
Every hour, 'cause it's all good
Leave all the stress from the world outside
Every wrong done will be alright
Nothin' but peace, love, and time to cash in
Every bad coach needs a Buyout Mansion