I AIN'T MAD AT CHA(RLIE WEIS)

[SCENE: Charlie Weis sits on the discarded sets of this summer's short-lived 2Pac-derived Broadway musical, which is a real thing that I swear happened]

[well, the musical part did]

CHARLIE: I like this. Reminds me I'm not the only expensive failure around.

[music starts]

CHARLIE:

It's time to bury another gig, nobody cry

Life as a ballcoach

Wheel routes and deep throw calls

We used to call 'em for Belichick do you recall

Raised OC's

Loc'd out and blazed some D's

Get on the dome, I got pushed out with blame on me

Team meetings boring and we ain't got snacks out

Mumblin 'SCHEMES 'TIL I DIE" before I passed out

but now that it's gone I'm thinkin' I don't wanna lose another job

but now it's gone

[door opens]

BRADY HOKE: hey Charlie. I'm feelin' down. Feel like all eyes on me this week. Like everyone's out to get me...

CHARLIE WEIS: go ahead man, say what you feel.

BRADY, taking mic: I got nothin' to lose...  it's just me against the world

Can you picture my prophecy?

Stress in Ann Arbor, fans are out for me

The Big Ten's full of bullies, my QBs droppin'

There ain't no stopping me

Constantly losin' while makin' millions

Don't wanna make excuses, 'cause this is how it is

What's the use unless we're 'crootin, no one notices the Blue

It's just me against the world, Charlie

WEIS: Hey, I understand what you're feelin'.

[door opens]  I understand too.

CHARLIE: Hey! Will! Haven't seen you in a couple years.

WILL MUSCHAMP: Things got worse after you left, Charlie.

CHARLIE: How the hell is that possible? I painted eyes on my eyelids so I could sleep during games.

WILL: I almost lost to Kentucky.

CHARLIE: The one in Kentucky? Geez, Will.

WILL: can I just sing my song

CHARLIE: can I nap during it

WILL: They say we gotta make a change

It's time us as a team to start makin' some changes

Let's change the way we pass, let's change the way we block, and let's change the way we run the damn ball

You see, the old way isn't workin'... and it's on me to do what I gotta do to survive

[beat kicks in]

I fear coaching changes! Can't a coach get a little peace? We got Driskel at QB and we're stuck in the SEC East

CHARLIE, awaking startled: ART NO oh god Will I thought that beat was Baylor you scared me

WILL, kicking dirt: aw heck I just can't do anything right.

CHARLIE: Now, listen, both of you. Look, I'm not happy about getting fired, but you can't worry. I mean, yes, you're both going to get fired. Brady, I'm surprised you lasted longer than me. But you can't take it to heart. I tell you where we're gonna go.

[picks up acoustic guitar]

Shit, I'm tired of getting shot at.

Tired of gettin' criticism and second-guessin'

Bad coaches need a spot where we can kick it

A spot where we belong, that's just for us

Don't gotta get all dressed up and look like Kingsbury

Y' kna' mean? Where do bad coaches go when we're fired?

Ain't no heaven for a bad coach, Brady.

That's why we go to Buyout Mansion.

That's the only place where bad coaches get in free, and you gotta come with me

To Buyout Mansion

A place to spend my retirement, do some TV work

So much pressure in this life of mine, I cry at times

I once contemplated quittin' it, and woulda tried

But then I checked my contract, I could see my consolation prize

No one knows our struggle, they only see the trouble

Not knowin' it's hard to carry on when no one loves you

But I got a spot for us all, so we can ball, at Buyout Mansion

[SINGING]

Every conference, every campus

There's a place where life's a little easy

Little time for me, laid back and cool

Every hour, 'cause it's all good

Leave all the stress from the world outside

Every wrong done will be alright

Nothin' but peace, love, and time to cash in

Every bad coach needs a Buyout Mansion