Cincinnati Fan: [knocks on apartment door covered in burn marks] Hey pal, you in there? No one's heard anything from you since Saturday. Hello?
Indiana Fan: WHAT'S THE PASSWORD
UC Fan: ... password?
IU Fan: I'M NOT GOING BACK TO THE PSYCH WARD JUST BECAUSE I IMAGINED ONE WIN PISS OFF DOCTOR LIPSCHITZ
UC Fan: Um, hmm, okay, password, password...uh, Randle-El?
IU Fan: [looking through peephole that is actually a hole he shot in the door] The basketball player or the football player?
UC Fan: [covering face with hands] ...the baseball player?
IU Fan: Come on in, buddy. I'm glad you're here. I've been needing someone to tell me the real final score of Saturday's game anyway. Do you happen to know it?
UC Fan: Yeah, I even bought a couple different newspapers to confirm. You guys won 31-27. They're calling it the Big Ten's signature win this year.
IU Fan: [pulls a shotgun from behind a chair] Are you making fun of me?
UC Fan: It took us four quarters to beat a team that hasn't won since Pitch Perfect was in theaters. I'm not making fun of anybody. Except our secondary. Well, and Miami. Those guys still suck.
IU Fan: So if what you're telling me is true, that IU beat an SEC school and Cincinnati won a game the same weekend, then that can only mean one thing: we're all about to die. Unless Mizzou's just not any good this year.
UC Fan: Hey man, don't sell them short. They won the SEC East last year, beating out teams like...
[five minutes of awkward silence]
UC Fan: ...well, they were probably pretty good. Who knows? Maybe the tide is turning! Maybe now that Ohio State and Michigan are faltering, we can be the new hotbed of football in the Midwest! [throws open window] LOOK OUT, WORLD, THE HOOCATS COMIN'.
IU Fan: [putting canned food in a suitcase] Yeah man, maybe. Maybe things are looking up. Maybe the earth isn't about to be hit by a meteor and maybe I don't need to retreat to my secret bunker. [continues packing random objects] Maybe that's the case.
UC Fan: Um, about that "secret" bunker. [gestures out window to treehouse with "NO BOLLERMACKERS ALLOWD" sign on it] [treehouse falls out of tree] [tree catches fire]
IU Fan: It's not in much worse shape than our defense, so I'm still going for it.
UC Fan: Our defense only seems to play one half a game. It's like having dinner with Coach.
IU Fan: You know what they say about Tubbs: make sure you get the cash up front.
UC Fan: Say what you will about him, but he's probably the second-most successful coach to ever appear in a Sandra Bullock movie.
IU Fan: You're such a Keanu Reeves hater.
UC fan: Johnny Utah my ass. Closest an Ohio State quarterback ever came to the FBI was Art Schlichter.
IU Fan: Well, and that time Todd Boeckman got kicked out of Hooters for shouting that he was a Federal Booty Inspector.
UC Fan: "Kicked Out Of Hooters, Signed By The Jaguars" is my favorite Hold Steady song.
IU Fan: "Kicked Out Of Florida, Hanging Out At Hooters" is Jon Gruden's biography.
UC Fan: Nah man I heard he just bought a house in Gainesville. Anyways, what do you think happens Saturday? Bearcats might actually have a chance against Ohio State. I'm making my special chili to prepare. [shoves ketchup and Twix bars into an electric pencil sharpener]
IU Fan: I don't know if we'll win or lose but I'm making my special chili, too. [pours Four Loko into a can of corn]
UC Fan: Man, Four Loko's an OSU innovation, I can't get behind that. I came up with my own Cincinnati energy drink. It's a can of Big K Cola that asks you where you went to high school.
IU Fan: The Louisville version asks when you're graduating high school, then winks before riding off on a motorcycle.
UC Fan: Still less embarrassing than losing to UVA.
IU Fan: "Virginia: our football teams are shit, but they're better than yours!"
UC Fan: That's because none of them are in the SEC East.
[laugh track] [high five] [freeze frame] [credits roll]