"Mad about our defense, but I guess shooting first without thinking about how you'll protect yourself is a South Carolina tradition."
"I told our guys, you just can't take these Southern Conference teams too lightly. Look what happened to Virginia Tech."
"D'you know people still die of measles, and lose to Paul Johnson at Georgia Tech? Frank Beamer might wanna get vaccinated."
"We can't keep relyin' on beatin' Georgia to impress the poll voters. Drought ain't been ranked since 2004."
"Don't think Bill Snyder's been the same since that tornado dropped a house on his sister."
"Last time Auburn did that much damage in Manhattan, Terry Bowden got banned from the Times Square Olive Garden."
"Saw Michigan State hung a buncha points on Eastern Michigan. Enjoy triple OT against Wyoming, y'all."
"Purdue's got a better record than Clemson"
Worst part about Michigan Stadium being so quiet is you can hear every last 'fuck you' the coaches yell at each other."
"Building a program is something that happens in steps. Will Muschamp's just stuck on demo is all."
Thought Ohio State looked as good as they've looked all season this week. Yeah, I know they were on a bye week."
"Big win for Bob Stoops, most of the time Dana Holgorsen gets someone in a shot-for-shot contest like that a stomach ends up getting pumped."
"Don't sleep on Arkansas. If you have to, don't do it on anything but your own sheets. Pinkeye is real."
"UNC's lucky that East Carolina game wasn't at home. Seventy'll get you an A plus at Chapel Hill."
"Don't call Mississippi State winning against LSU an indictment of what Les Miles does. Too many heads whip around when you use that word out loud in Tiger Stadium."
"Saw Skip Holtz lost a game to an FCS school. He's like a blueblood Will Muschamp, if you ask me. Don't tell Will that, he'll start to think smurfs are real, and he's real dangerous when he's scared."
"Death Valley ain't specific as to the identify of the corpse, in fairness. Though that's common in Baton Rouge."
"FSU can't run the ball, and I'm not confident in their ability to properly investigate why. No reason."
"Don't worry, Dabo, not the first time a shotgun, a yard, and bad decision ended a night in SEC country."
"FSU fans really rallied behind that backup QB. Guess they related to being on the wait list."
"Y'all ever seen Brady Hoke's version of Red Dawn? Russia wins by 17."
"Mizzou lost to Indiana. Big 12 got to get its shit together soon if it wants in this playoff."
"That win made Tom Crean happy, which is a felony sex crime in seven states."
""You could wonder whether you tip an animal control officer for subduing you after you get loose and kill livestock in a blood frenzy under the first full moon of autumn, or you could just ask Bo Pelini.""
"Y'ever notice that Miami and boxing have the same historical trajectory?"
"Saw Washington beat up on poor ol' Georgia State. Now see if Seattle gets to celebrate Ludacrismas this year."
"Hey, I struggle sometimes with cougars, Oregon. Reminds me: I gotta call Ina Garten back."
"If they want someone who's used to losing to me, Florida should go ahead and hire Mack Brown."
"Florida runs a geocentric offense, because everyone who believes in it is either dead or stupid."
"Memphis comes to Ole Miss this weekend, so don't bother your coke dealer until Monday."
"Nice to see Rich Rod finally at a program that has some shot at a Rose Bowl."