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BLATANT HOMERISM: KYLE CHRISTY ENTERS THE HEISMAN RACE

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A TRIUMPH FROM START TO FINISH

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Blatant Homerism looks at most Florida games up close in an entirely biased, pro-Gator fashion. This week we highlight the positives of the Alabama-Florida game. Or, um: "positive."

SORRY BUT THERE'S ONLY WAY TO SAY THIS BUT SORRY BAMA

KYLE CHRISTY IS THE BEST FOOTBALL PLAYER IN AMERICA

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ALMOST ANYONE CAN WIN A FOOTBALL GAME BUT WHO CAN DOMINATE IN A LOSS? THAT'S RIGHT, ONLY KYLE CHRISTY. LOOK AT THAT SHIT. JUST LOOK AT THE SNAPPING POWER IN ONE LEG. THAT'S LIKE FIVE SNAPPING TURTLES HIDING UNDER ONE MAN'S PATELLA. IT'S NOT FAIR BUT KYLE CHRISTY HAS THE POWER OF THE ENTIRE ICHETUCKNEE RIVER'S ECOSYSTEM IN ONE KNEE. IF HE KICKED YOU WITH BOTH LEGS YOU WOULD DIE LIKE A DRUNKEN COWBOY TRYING TO SHOE A MULE, AND HE HASN'T DONE THIS ONLY BECAUSE HE IS A MAN OF MERCY.

THANK HIM. THANK HIM FOR THE BREATH YOU TAKE RIGHT NOW.

MAYBE YOU NEED SOME STATS, NERDENHEIMER. WE GOT 'EM.

  1. KYLE CHRISTY AVERAGED 52.7 YARDS PER PUNT. THAT'S A WHOLE HALF-FIELD PLUS SOME LAGNIAPPE. "LAGNIAPPE" IS A FRENCH WORD FOR THE NUMBER OF YARDS PER PASS JEFF DRISKEL AVERAGES. WE KNOW THAT BECAUSE FLORIDA'S A PRETTY GOOD SCHOOL WITH A PUNTER WHO CAN KICK A HOLE IN THE FABRIC OF THE DARKEST NIGHT AND BRING SUNSHINE TO THE PEOPLE.
  2. BAMA'S CHRISTION JONES ONLY GOT 17 YARDS OF RETURN YARDAGE ON THE DAY. CHRISTION JONES CAN RETURN A PUNT THROUGH THE SEVENTY-FIRST LAP TRAFFIC OF A RACE AT TALLADEGA. KYLE CHRISTY CAN TURN A BALL INTO AN ALBATROSS.
  3. KYLE CHRISTY IS FIRST IN THE ENTIRE UNITED STATES IN PUNTING AVERAGE. THAT'S AHEAD OF PUNTING FIENDS LIKE VIRGINIA TECH. FRANK BEAMER SITS BY KYLE CHRISTY'S BED AT NIGHT AND STROKES KYLE CHRISTY'S HAIR WHILE HE SLEEPS. THEY'RE BOTH OKAY WITH IT BECAUSE KYLE CHRISTY IS A GIVING SOUL AND UNDERSTANDS MALE AFFECTION ISN'T A SIGN OF WEAKNESS, ESPECIALLY IF IT'S WITH FRANK BEAMER.

MAYBE YOU WANT VISUALIZATION, VOX DOT COM. WE GOT THAT, TOO. CLICK TO MAKE IT BIGGER YOU'LL WANT TO BECAUSE IT TOOK THREE MINUTES TO MAKE, JUST LIKE OUR OFFENSIVE GAMEPLAN.

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IN SHORT THERE IS NO FINER FOOTBALL PLAYER ON THE PLANET THAN KYLE CHRISTY. PUNT ON THIRD DOWN FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON LIKE IT'S THE CFL AND WE'RE THE MONTREAL ALOUETTES, MUSCHAMP. IT'S PRACTICE FOR WHERE YOU'LL BE NEXT YEAR, ANYWAY. THIS IS ALL WE'RE WRITING HERE ABOUT THE ALABAMA GAME WHICH WAS A TOTAL BUTT-STUTTERING RAIN OF DEAD GOATS AND HELLFIRE IN ALL DIRECTIONS THAT WAS MUCH WORSE THAN THE BOX SCORE EVEN INDICATES.

TL; DR: KYLE CHRISTY IS A GOD. A THUNDERLEGGED, SWAGGERING GOD. A FOOTBALL IS PIGSKIN AND HE MAKES IT FLY FOR DAYS AND THAT MAKES HIM THE PERSON WHO MAKES PIGS FLY, BASICALLY. KYLE CHRISTY BROKE ADYNATON, Y'ALL. HE'S OUT HERE PUNTING BALLS THROUGH ANCIENT GREEK RHETORIC. GIVE HIM A DAMN HEISMAN BEFORE HE KICKS A WINDOW THROUGH PATHOS.