THE CURIOUS INDEX SUPPORTS GREG MATTISON, POOPER OF FIRE

CHOOSE YOUR OWN DISASTER. Of all the matchups listed on our latest bowl projections, the one that provides the most humor potential is possibly the Pitt-Michigan Pinstripe Bowl because ohohohohoho James Conner running for seven hundred yards while interim Michigan head coach Greg Mattison poops fire. Florida and Miami in Shreveport would be amazingly sad and sell maybe two thousand tickets.

NOOOOOOOVA. Rutgers is two weeks away from the meat of their conference schedule, which they will now have to face without their top running back after announcing that Paul James is done for the year with a torn ACL. Fortunately, they can lean on senior QB Gary Nowait why are you just throwing the ball in the air and covering your head and screaming "I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE" oh goddammit.

DO NOT APPROACH A HOKIE WITHOUT WARNING. Having lost two home games in a row and starting defensive tackle Luther Maddy for up to a month, they are likely to be dangerous. Keep your hands in full view and offer the Hokie dried meat snacks while keeping your voice at a low whisper and never mentioning the passing game.

YOU MADE IT AWKWARD. Drake should only be allowed to support fictitious sports teams. GO LOS ANGELES STALLIONS. (And Cleveland Cats.)

WHY ARE YOU LOOKING GO AWAY. Great. Now Pro Football Focus is grading Florida games, and if you go to page 2 you'll see so much red that they should just start watching Georgia jerseys. In fact, let's do that. The Florida Gators are now the Georgia Bulldogs, and dammit if Georgia just can't get it together as usual.

GOOD MORNING. I'm so sorry I'm about to do this to you.

Don't ask me how I found this. Just enjoy... pic.twitter.com/pdsQrfpIDI

— Chris Hassel (@hasselESPN) September 22, 2014

Don't have kids, because they might grow up to get Kirk Ferentz tattooed on their body.

ETC. And then a herrrrrroooooo comes aloooooooooong.