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A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE EXPLOITS OF O'LEARY, KNIGHT OF O'ER-LANDO, IN HIS TRAVELS IN IRELAND

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IN WHICH THIS POET ATTEMPTS TO BRING LIGHT TO THE LEGEND AND MYTH OF THE KNIGHT OF CENTRAL FLORIDA IN HIS VICTORIOUS JOURNEY TO THE PARK OF CROKE

(as told to the University of Central Florida Media Relations Department by George O'Leary)

And lo it was, fine Lad O'Leary of O'er Lando, born of the Longest Island, late of Technical Georgia, went forth on an expedition, over the volcano and Bortlesless, to the Emerald Isle, where he would mightily do battle with the Lion of Pennsyltucky.  Listen here and you shall hear the tale, in all its truths!

It was on this weekend journey that fine O'Leary did, as it is told to us:

  • In defence of his own life, O'Leary did slew the fierce guard dog of Culann, but being of valiant fibre, volunteered to take the hound's place until a replacement could be reared.
  • Fishing at the Well of Wisdom, he did catch the Salmon of Knowledge in the service of his lord the poet Ucf; with instructions to cook it and not eat it for himself, he did accidentally burn his hand with the fat of the cooking fish, and in soothing the pain of his thumb with his mouth, he inadvertently gained the fish's power and all the world's knowledge.
  • While en route to the West Indies, O'Leary was captured by Algerian corsairs and sold in shackles to a Moorish goldsmith who trained him as an apprentice; later, at the demand of King William, he was released and returned to Galway, where he set up his own shop as a goldsmith.
  • When one of his players was found to miss an assignment in practice, O'Leary did angrily hurl a rock into the sea, where it landed and formed the Isle of Man.
  • O'Leary is said to have built a causeway across the North Channel, in order to fight a road game against the giant Benandonner - but upon realizing the size of his opponent, he realized he could not win, and instructed his wife to dress him as a baby. Benandonner, arriving for a fight, saw the tremendous size of this baby, reckoned its father must be a giant among giants, and fled back to Scotland in fright, destroying the causeway so that O'Leary could not follow.
  • Beat Penn State 24-23.