WANNA SEE MY PICTURE ON THE COVER

Photoshopping recruits onto magazine covers isn't a new tactic, but it took an especially ridiculous turn this week, when several recruits revealed covers sent to them by Wake Forest, depicting them on the cover of People Magazine, side-by-side with Kim Kardashian and Selena Gomez.

Wake, we like where your heart's at, we really do. You want to hop on the trend, compete with what other schools are doing - and you want to appeal to the somewhat delusional vanity of high-school-age men. I get it. It's a flawed strategy, though, and there's two major issues I see here.

First, it's creepy. I'm not going to hop on board with the objectifying women thing you're doing here. Did you ask Kim or Selena if they thought this was okay? Of course you didn't. So knock it off.

Second, though, it's just unrealistic. A-list celebrities don't date freshman athletes at small ACC schools. I know this is heartbreaking, but let's not abandon the strategy wholesale. I've worked up a few more, uh, realistic magazine covers you can send to recruits.

NOTE: back to that whole "don't be creepy" thing: I'm not gonna photoshop high school kids. I'm just gonna leave the space for you to do it. I have to be able to explain what I'm doing to my wife.

Let's take a look!

Okay, see, that's a little more realistic. Do these guys visit campus? I don't even know. Probably more than Kimye does.

See here you're appealing to the whole family! We can read about our son in the bathroom, right after Life In These United States!

Reasonable promises. Call it "Recruiting Within Reach".

Okay, I'm not just going to make this just about Wake Forest, though. I don't want you to think I have anything against you, because I assure you: I feel nothing about you. I hadn't thought about you in years. Nothing personal.

Nashville's lovely, in a "before things go bad in a Lifetime Movie" sort of way. I've been to several Belks there, and they were all well-lit.

You'll be read about in waiting rooms from Council Bluffs to the Quad Cities!

Coach Snyder's not too sure about this one. That Gutenberg fella was nothin' but trouble.

It's a dark time when Michigan Men are forced to stoop to periodicals, but rest assured: we'll add a leather binding before we send it out.