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This week's previews are done by a college football fan from the year 1999.

Auburn at Kansas State. He's still there? DOGG. Well, that probably means it's a collection of like fifty rejects from other programs and other soldered-together football players borrowed from Eastern European handball squads. They'll probably win ten games and go to a big bowl game in Texas-ish, right? Auburn's got no shot, that Tuberville dude should have stayed at Ole Miss. THAT'S a job with a future and real stability.

UConn at South Florida. They're showing FCS games on tv now? Cool. SUUUUURRRRRRRRGE!!! [/skateboards off a granite cliff in fat pants on company time]

Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech. Since the Hokies are probably coming off like their second or third national championship this could be a letdown game. History's over, and everything's been peaceful for the past 15 years. How's Mike Vick doing? Who wants to be a millionaire? Anyone who drafted him, that's who, Regis!

Florida at Alabama. No way Mike Dubose beats Spurrier once, much less twice in a year. No flippin' way.

Texas State at Illinois. With the juggernaut Ron Turner's got going in Champaign there's no way this isn't a blowout. The Illini are finally starting to see the whole Matrix. Pokemon.

Utah at Michigan. A conference as prestigious as the Big Ten doesn't need to water down their schedule with this business. A stronger move would have been some historical power like Purdue or possibly UVA, even if Lloyd Carr is still starting weak-armed statues like Tom Brady.

Mississippi State at LSU. LSU's ranked eighth? TOLD you Gerry DiNardo would get things rolling eventually. Now you owe me Chris Gaines tickets.

Maryland at Syracuse. A buddy of mine bought stock in a cell phone company recently. How stupid is that? Flash in the pan industry that only appeals to dumb teens. Give me something sturdy and reliable, like the Big East. It's so money! (swing dances)

Oklahoma at West Virginia. A weird non-conference game to schedule but it's hard to turn down a quality Big East team when you get the chance to put 'em on the schedule. It might be a real Fight Club, but we're gonna have to break a few rules and talk about it Sunday morning if the Sooners pull the upset on Don Nehlen's boys!

Clemson at Florida State. Clemson at Florida State. A little bit of Bobby in my life! A little bit of Tommy by my side! A little bit of Terry in the sun! A little bit of Jeff just calling runs! Really makes you think how awesome it'd be to have a Bowden Number Five!

Miami at Nebraska. Sometimes you've just got championship in your blood. Miami gets that, just like Lance Armstrong.

Oregon at Washington State. Might want to avert your eyes from this inevitable bloodbath. Shit, that didn't change at all. Um...

joey harrington is

we're so sorry about that