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IGNORE THE POWERS OF KIRK FERENTZ, TIME COMMANDER, AT YOUR PERIL. He is not "burning the turkey" or "way off the rhythm" or "causing the nuclear destruction of civilization." He's just reached a higher state of consciousness, where time has no meaning and neither do out of conference losses! Vertical and horizontal mean nothing in the disorienting vacuum of deep space! The Music City Bowl - where no one can hear you scream!

PENN STATE FANS HONOR COACH WHO LOST TO ILLINOIS ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS. That is how I choose to interpret this planned event, and if you would like to discuss it further I invite you to enter this custom built copper shielded room. Don't worry, I'll just hold onto the key.

EVERYTHING IS CAPABLE OF CHANGE. Should you doubt this, consider that Mark Dantonio just promised his team wouldn't run it up against Eastern Michigan, a vow that would not have been necessary as recently as this time last season.

EVERYTHING IS THE SAME. Redshirt freshman Kevin Olsen is no longer a Miami Hurricane but can look back at an extremely U set of accomplishments - arrested for DUI and possession of false identification, suspended for last year's bowl game and the beginning of this year, allegedly for failing a drug test, and a citation for leaving the scene of the accident before he even enrolled at Miami.

NEVER APOLOGIZE. Desmond Jackson wants you to know he's sorry about screwing up the coin toss for Texas, but that's not the right approach. Every mistake can, and should, be recast as a tactical decision that just didn't work out. How do you think white chocolate got invented?

ETC. Don't go to Orlando unless you want to get carjacked by Bashful. New Pope is sooooooo much more chill than his predecessor. And happy 40th birthday to the realest:


He's gonna make it 305 if you get the wrong flavor of ice cream cake. Wait, can Sheed coach Iowa? Let's make that happen.