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FOOTBALL'S RICH PAGEANT

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WE BILLED THIS AS A SCHOLARSHIP COMPETITION AND HAD TO BAR THE DOORS TO KEEP SABAN OUT

Marvin Gentry-USA TODAY Sports

Sunday night, New York's Kira Kazantsev was named Miss America 2015 in a nationally-televised event filmed live at Atlantic City's historic Boardwalk Hall.

You might be surprised to learn that another pageant happened that night, though.  Buried deep on ESPN3, dozens of rapt fans gathered Sunday to watch the selection of...Coach America.

[SCENE: inside the closed Revel Casino, a mile and a half up the beach from Boardwalk Hall]

ANNOUNCER: Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. We've just completed our first round of cuts, let's give them all a hand.

[polite applause as Kyle Flood, Kirk Ferentz, Bo Pelini, Jerry Kill, Darrell Hazell, Brady Hoke, Urban Meyer, James Franklin, Kevin Wilson, Randy Edsall, Mark Dantonio, Pat Fitzgerald, Gary Andersen and Tim Beckman exit the stage]

ANNOUNCER: Yeah, we had to invite them, but [audience laughs] anyways, moving on. Now, we were going to have a swimsuit competition, but despite our repeated reminders on what constitutes appropriate swim attire, we had, um... difficulty with several contestants.

[Dana Holgorsen's voice, from backstage] Aw, come on now, that's just how I swim, hoss! Be proud of what your momma gave ya, I say!

ANNOUNCER: I saw nothing that anyone should be proud of. Let's just move on to the talent competition.

ANNOUNCER: Mark Richt, in control as always.

ANNOUNCER: Dana, your bird stole my wallet. Security? Get him out of here.

ANNOUNCER: Coach Miles demonstrating the range we've come to expect of a Michigan Man.

ANNOUNCER: Feels a little obvious, doesn't it?

ANNOUNCER: This bear is expected to start for Art against Iowa State.

ANNOUNCER: I'm beginning to think this whole thing was ill-conceived.

ANNOUNCER: Okay, this is going off the rails.  Let's move onto the final round, the Q&A.  First up, we've got Bill Snyder.  Coach Snyder, this question is regarding geopolitics.

SNYDER: Sure.

ANNOUNCER: What are your thoughts on the growing influence and reach of ISIS?

SNYDER: Aw, heck, Isis. Nice lady. We used to go together for a bit back in high school in Heliopolis. Ended up with that Osiris fella. Lord of the underworld or somesuch, well, doesn't sound like much of a way to make a living, but I reckon that's not really my business now anyways, long as they're happy toge-

HOLGORSEN, grabbing microphone from Snyder: Alright, judgy boy, he had his turn, let me at it.

ANNOUNCER: Dana, you were eliminated in the last round. We had security remove you.

HOLGORSEN: Better men than you have tried to keep me out of casinos, bachelorpad. Now, listen, I gotta get ahold of this super-soldier serum o' yours. I got some fellas comin' after me, and I'm gonna need all the strength I can get.

ANNOUNCER: I think you're thinking of Captain America, Dana, this is-

[a siren is heard in the background]

HOLGORSEN: I gotta run, here's $20. Swing by the sports book later with the stuff.

ANNOUNCER: You know what, screw it. Let's just crown the same winner we always do.

He's radiant.