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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 9/12/2014

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WAKE UP PAWWWLLLL

BILL FROM GAINESVILLE SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS ANYMORE.

Will Muschamp making jokes is not something we're really comfortable with, if only because it a.) means he no longer cares if he lives or dies, or b.) because he thinks Florida's really good this year. Either thought is immensely disturbing here.

TIM TEBOW HAS ALREADY VALIDATED WHATEVER ESPN IS PAYING HIM. The benefits are limitless, even if he only takes this picture and immediately quits television forever.

TEXAS NEEDS WOMEN. AND MEN. WHOEVER CAN PLAY FOOTBALL, REALLY. The Longhorns allegedly looking for walk-on QBs seems like the naturally mockable thing after Charlie Strong kicked off every person on the Longhorns football team plus eight guys on the Aggies (Texas football law is weird.) However, if there were a state where one could just pick a high school QB up off the street and be certain that constant 7-on-7 play had him capable of throwing fifty times a game if needed, well, it's Texas.

IT'S GOT FUNNEL CAKE. Okay so week three really doesn't have funnel cake, but it does have...um...Bret Bielema and Kliff Kingsbury exchanging workout tips at the pregame shit-shooting session? "Cardio's for the devil, bro." "The devil's pretty ripped, Bret." "Whatever, ladies like a Porterhouse, not a filet, buddy."

THAT'S A STRAPPING SCHEMBECHLER MAN RIGHT THERE. Les Miles in 1975 is a thing of damn wonder. No, he doesn't have a mustache: why would you want to cover up that baby face?

YO WE GOT A DJ FOR THE BATHROOOOOM. And the gym. Mostly the bathroom, but also the gym.

ETC: FUCK THE TSA SO VERY HARD IN ALL DIRECTIONS. We'd sit there and eat the whole thing right there at the gate, since we'd probably be late anyway and already missing the flight. A flaming possum will happen if you're going to the park the right way.