THE NEXT LOGICAL STEP IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL GOVERNANCE

Autonomy for the Power 5 may be a groundbreaking change in the structure of college athletics. But it still leaves important decisions in the hands of too many - ADs, presidents, countless attorneys. As a game, football is about using your resources most efficiently to maximize output. Governance of that game should be no different, and that is why we propose a college football czar. This college football czar.

Let's compare the stated views on reforming college athletics from the old guard and Czar Wario. (Czario?)

"What will happen, I believe, under the greater autonomy model," Baylor president and chancellor Kenneth Starr said, "is everyone will move in the direction of taking care of your student-athletes. That's what this should be about." - Ken Starr, Baylor president

"Wario is great!" - Wario, Mario Kart: Double Dash

Advantage: WARIO

"Enforcement is broken." - Bob Bowlsby

"Oh, shut up." - Wario, Mario Power Tennis

Advantage: WARIO

"It's changed. I mean, college athletics, football in particular, has changed dramatically over the years," Snyder said. "I think we've sold out. We're all about dollars and cents." - Bill Snyder, Kansas State coach

"A flying train AND a flying castle? Hmmm...I think I'm gonna turn this place into an amusement park and rake in the cash!" - Wario, Fortune Street

Advantage: WARIO

"If athletes are employees, what's the point of going to class? We spend millions and millions of dollars each year tutoring, mentoring, providing student services. We make that commitment because we should, and if we don't, you wind up like UConn and you don't get to play in the NCAA tournament. And at the end of four or five years, you hope that a student has graduated and something really good has happened. Generally, it does." - Steve Patterson, Texas athletic director

"Yeah! Take that losers! Heh heh heh!" - Wario, Mario Kart 7

Advantage: WARIO

"To convert college sports into professional sports would be tantamount to converting it into minor league sports," Emmert said. "And we know that in the U.S. minor league sports aren't very successful either for fan support or for the fan experience." - Mark Emmert

"It's an exploration of greed, stench, and stubby legs through interpretive dance." - Wario, Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix

Advantage: WARIO

"I said 'you know what that means, don't you fellas? More money, but not for you.'" - Steve Spurrier, on the SEC Network launching in 90+ million homes

"*raspberry* Excuse me." - Wario, Mario Party 8

Advantage: PUSH

"For those who already think that Division I athletics has devolved into a business that too often dictates university priorities rather than the other way around, it's about to get worse. These elite programs will bear less and less resemblance to amateur athletics and the mission and role of a university. No one should think it will stop here." - Bob Kustra, Boise State President

"I lost! To a buncha losers!" - Wario, Mario Kart: Double Dash

Advantage: BOB KUSTRA

"I tell my guys all the time, you're not the first one to spend a hungry Sunday without any money." - Bob Stoops

"What? Are you my caddy?" - Wario, Mario Kart: Toadstool Tour

Advantage: WARIO

"Aw, everybody cheaters! Next time I cheat! Heh heh heh!" - Waluigi, Mario Kart Wii

"Argh. I let you win." - Wario, Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games

Advantage: WARIO

"Rick is an outstanding coach and recruiter. He is outgoing and personable and can motivate our players, fans and supporters. We believe he is well equipped to lead the program and attain the success all Bruin fans wish to achieve." - Dan Guerrero, UCLA athletic director

"My brain is amazing! It's full of wrinkles, and... Uh... Wait... What am I trying to say?" - Wario, Wario Land 4

Advantage: WARIO

"Based on my experience and observations, fans of college football and men's basketball are loyal to and passionate about their team precisely because they believe they are cheering for students with USC uniforms on their backs that may have the opportunity to live American dream of getting drafted one day in the future, but right now are going to class, getting an education, and are not yet corrupted by money and other financial influences." -Harris Pastides, University of South Carolina President

"Goo-waaah!! Help! I'm on fire! Somebody! Help! In the time it's taken me to say this, my whole body's been covered in flames! Don't you think this is just too much?! I blame the game programmers! I'll remember this! GRRR!!" -Wario, Wario Land 4

Advantage: WARIO