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THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL DEFINES BATON ROUGE INFLUENZA

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LEONARD FOURNETTE, PLEASE BE IMMUNE

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

A. BATON ROUGE INFLUENZA DEFINED.

Baton Rouge Influenza; a viral condition affecting LSU running backs. Scope of infection is believed to be localized and restricted to Baton Rouge, Louisiana; thus the name. Infected patients are almost always LSU running backs, and almost always ranked highly by recruiting services and accompanied with breathless field reports and eye-popping recruiting highlight videos.

Onset of disease is highlighted by initial success on the field in either limited playing time or sudden starting position. Following initial success, symptoms deleterious to patient health and performance manifest. These symptoms may include, but not be limited to:

  • weight gain due to carousing
  • weight gain due to poor but delicious dietary concerns
  • grade deflation
  • random parking lot assaults and subsequent legal trouble
  • sudden disappearance from depth chart
  • "I was watching you sleep."
  • random bloat
  • seizures of enrollment resulting in sudden transfer

Treatment: there is none, you sort of mull through it and become Joseph Addai, or you don't.

Long term prognosis: Bill Belichick will probably sign you for the minimum, let you start five games, and then (REDACTED BY ORDER OF BELICHICK AEROSPACE AND WASTE MANAGEMENT)

B: POSSIBLE RESISTANT CASE STUDY

Leonard Fournette. Just, damn, all the Leonard Fournette you could handle, coming to you this fall.

That third run. JESUS IN HEAVEN OR NEW ORLEANS, THAT RUN AROUND THE 40 SECOND MARK OR SO. Please be immune, Leonard Fournette, because hot death on two legs doesn't come our way that often. We know it does for you, citizens of Louisiana, because swamps breed running backs and huge defensive linemen like Polynesia spits out offensive linemen, but still. Let this one go, curse of LSU curses. (He might just stiffarm it away, and slip Baton Rouge Influenza's tackles. Which would be fine with all of us.)