DRUNK ON THIRD DOWN: BEYONCE PREDICTS THE 2014 COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON

What is Beyonce?

Beyonce is life.

Beyonce is our most treasured natural resource.

America runs on Beyonce. And deep-seated anger that shifts into an almost overwhelming sense of perpetual anxiety, but mostly Beyonce.

During Beyonce's VMA performance on Sunday, America and Eric LeGrand became overwhelmed by her utter Beyonce-osity. There were butts. There was an adorable child. There was confident strutting. There were references to sex acts I am not yet old enough to perform. Beyonce is a glorious amalgamation of modern pop music and the pure energy created when you tell a young girl from Houston she can't do something. Don't tell a young girl from Houston she can't do something. She will ruin your life while looking fine as hell. You tell a young boy from (four hours outside of) Houston he can't do something, he becomes Case Keenum. Houston is very powerful, is what I'm saying.

Beyonce may not be into college football. Beyonce likely does not have any thoughts on Tennessee recruiting and she most likely is not a Michigan fan. But that's no reason why Beyonce can't help us understand the upcoming college football season:

"Pretty Hurts"

Ain't got no doctor or pill that can take the pain away The pain's inside and nobody frees you from your body It's the soul, it's the soul that needs surgery It's my soul that needs surgery

It's okay, Arkansas. It's okay. You don't need to be pretty. You don't need to prove anything to us. Well, you should probably prove that you can beat Rutgers.

"Haunted"

Beyoncé - Haunted (Music Video) by dm_5079b81ee7e5c

When I'm looking off the edge, I preach my gut it can't help but ignore it/ I'm climbing up the walls cause all the shit I hear is boring

Kirk Ferentz thinks that this song is about the dangerous world of BASE jumping.

"Drunk in Love"

We woke up in the kitchen saying, "How the hell did this shit happen?"/ Oh baby, drunk in love we be all night /Last thing I remember is our beautiful bodies grinding up in the club

This is basically how Dave Brandon wound up scheduling Appalachian State again, except replace "bodies" with "sweet, sweet cash."

"Blow"

Blow (HD) - BEYONCE from Heber Ezequiel Gonzalez Pailos on Vimeo.

(Keep me coming, keep me going), keep me coming, keep me going (Keep me humming, keep me moaning), keep me humming, keep me moaning

Okay, maybe this doesn't have anything to do with college football. Unless it is about play-calling. Yeah, it's about play-calling. Like, coming up to the first down marker, and then going on to a touchdown. Yeah.

"Flawless"

Say I look so good tonight/God damn, God damn/Say I look so good tonight/God damn, God damn, God damn

MY TITLE GAME IS FLAWLESS. MY SECONDARY IS LAWLESS. I WOKE UP LIKE THIS, BECAUSE I GO TO SLEEP LIKE THIS, AND BY 'SLEEP' I MEAN THE HALTING MOMENTS BETWEEN FILM STUDY. - Jimbo Fisher

(Not included: "Partition," because college football fans are not ready for the comparison I was prepared to make regarding Will Muschamp, a towel, and the College Football Playoff.)