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FORGIVE US IN ADVANCE

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LET US PRAY

Kevin C. Cox

Join us in seeking forgiveness for what we are about to do, and perhaps not do, this upcoming football season.

FORGIVENESS GRANTED

I forgive you, Will Muschamp, and seek new outrages. Fresh outrages. Outrages where we lose to Idaho, perhaps.

I forgive you, Wisconsin-Arizona State refs; it was very late and Todd Graham's hair looks sharp.

You are forgiven for being beautiful and everything we want in a football team, Baylor, but this baby we're having will save this marriage to Will Muschamp. [pic of kurt roper's head put on baby]

You are forgiven, BCS Industrialists who insisted that a playoff could "never work" and was "bad for fans" and would be "a perversion in the eyes of Dennis, the God of Football Tradition long may he reign and cluck about tattoos."

DACOACHO FUHGISS YOU PAD HAVEN. ASSA TOKIN UH GUHWILL DACOACHO SENDUNYA A PRYSWINNIN WATUHMOCKASIN. TOLDA YOU ESS PEE ESS ISSA SLIPPERAH BAGUETTE.

I forgive you, Dude Who Plays Mayhem In All The Allstate Commercials, both for your cruelties to Liz Lemon and for demolishing the same truck 300 times a Saturday. HEY DUMMY.

Accept our forgiveness, Mike Bobo. For too long you were assigned blame that rightly belonged to another: the ghost of John Rocker, who is a detective in the Athens Police Department even though John Rocker isn't dead.

Whatever you did not do for the least of these, you also did not do to the Lord himself, which is why we're going to watch and cheer during at least one Illinois football game this year.

We forgive John Swofford. It turns out you can't dilute your conference so much that the Virginia "just disappears," but it was a valiant effort nonetheless.

We let go of irritation and irksomeness, forget the mocking of the "Michigan Man," and instead focus on the positives of the Michigan program like

All of your past transgressions are forgotten, Connor Halliday. It is important to wipe the slate clean before you throw it directly to an Oregon cornerback.

We believe in you, Purdue, and dream that one day you will become a reality.

We forgive Louisville for the 2012 Sugar Bowl, and for taking your coach in 101 days whether we think it's a good idea or not.

[puts in earplugs] WE FORGIVE YOU IN ADVANCE GUS JOHNSON. WE APPRECIATE YOUR ENTHUSIASM AND ENERGY. WE'RE GONNA BACK UP A LITTLE BIT IF YOU DON'T MIND.

We want to forgive you, NCAA. We really do. Instead, we will do the Southern thing and quietly resent you in your dying years and then skip your funeral.

REQUESTS FOR FORGIVENESS:

Forgive us, random follower who liked a tweet we did about TV three months ago. Forty-three tweets about a MAC game on a Wednesday night weren't what you signed up for.

Forgive us, Will Muschamp. If there were a Geneva Convention for Internet Commentary, we will be full-blown war criminals by 2 p.m. this coming Saturday.

Forgive us, friends who aren't that into college football. You are good parents and you keep the non-football economy running from September until February. We're still getting you a Kennesaw State shirt for Christmas, because we are bad at this.

Accept our apologies in advance, FSUTwitter, because when you lose to Virginia we will remind you exactly how many NFL draft picks missed a tackle on a crucial late Cavaliers TD run.

May our own bodies forgive us, or at least blame science for not turning pork into a vegetable.

Let the spirit of understanding underline every AHAHAHAHAA FUCK YOUUUUU to Alabama this season, for we mean it out of a malice borne of meager moral fiber, and also the fact that even God thinks it's hilarious when y'all shit the bed.

Forgive us for kicking Kansas when it is down, for abusing a corpse is a felony in most states. (Not Kansas, though. Gotta do something during basketball season.)

To our spouses: we are so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so very sorry.

Seriously Will Muschamp you seem like a fine person so just forgive us for everything, but especially what we'll say if you go 7-5 but beat Florida State.

We apologize to Terry Bowden for accurately predicting that he will be hired by Arkansas.

We ask forgiveness for that rental car. It was like that when we got it, bloodstains and all.