THE SAD FANS KICK OFF

SCENE: a non-legal tailgate in a parking lot at a local sports bar

Indiana Fan: You sure this is allowed? That manager seemed pissed when he said he was calling the cops. I guess maybe going to jail in time for the season's beginning wouldn't be so bad.

Cincinnati Fan: We'd miss the games, which would be good, but they might make us play the guards like in "the Longest Yard." Prison football reminds me too much of the fact that we're in a conference with Memphis and UCF now.

IU Fan: I'm pretty sure if we locked Michigan State's offense up in prison, they'd still rush for four hundred yards and 7 TDs against us.

UC Fan: Don't get me started on trying to keep Mark Dantonio in one place.

IU Fan: The Saban coaching tree is long and wide and extremely susceptible to light winds.

UC Fan: The Tuberville coaching tree is even worse.

IU Fan: Here, try this drink I made. I call it "Score A Touchdown, Give Up Two." It's got Red Bull - that's the touchdown - and then equal parts red wine and Sailor Jerry. I love football season.

UC Fan: I... um... I'll have one later. [nods toward ankle monitor]

IU Fan: Oh, no worries. I got ya. Had me one of those back when Randle-El was here. I can get it off for you, if you like. I keep an ice pick with me at all times, just for that reason.

UC Fan: Ahh, yeah, thanks. It's all overblown anyways. You spend one evening rummaging through Tom Jurich's office looking for dirt on him, and suddenly you're "breaking and entering" and "trespassing" and "inexplicably naked." Judges, man.

IU Fan: Justice system is about as fair and balanced as my Depends after a day at Memorial Stadium and a night watching COPS reruns.

UC Fan: It's weird that they call it Memorial Stadium. Most historians agree you can't properly memorialize a tragedy until it's over.

IU Fan: Some would say it was over before it even began.

UC Fan: [pulling out program] Alright, well, let's check out these rosters. Hmm. Depth is looking okay. Hey, we named Gunner Kiel our starting QB.

IU Fan: Is that the guy from Texas? No, that was McCoy or something? I don't know. My psychologist says I've got a lot of repressed memories. Whatever that means.

UC Fan: [flips through] nah, look, it's this guy.

UC Fan: Jeez, how old is he? This says 21, but dude looks like he's 45. Dang, man, our redshirt sophomore quarterback looks like Dauber. Have we done a background check on this guy? Are we sure this isn't just Bill Fagerbakke looking for another role after How I Met Your Mother killed him off? God, with our luck, he'll die midseason too, and then we'll be stuck with Munchie Legaux and a weepy Jason Segel subplot. No one needs that.

IU Fan: Oh, no, that's why I recognized Kiel's name. He's the guy who played Beans on "Even Stevens".

UC Fan: I'm a little too old to be familiar with that show, hold on. [checks Wikipedia] "This Disney Channel series is often cited as launching Shia LaBeouf's breakout career as an actor." Woof. Just another reminder that things you like can eventually spawn great evils.

UC Fan: At least Kelly didn't ruin Indiana Jones.

IU Fan: He ruins football season for Indiana basketball fans, though.

UC Fan: Which is weird, because a lot of them are Notre Dame football fans.

IU Fan: So, got any predictions for the season?

UC Fan: Just one.