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THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL HAILS FOOTBALL'S MOST GENTLEMANLY FIELD

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TOUCHDOWN PIPE

In honor of the recent christening of FAU's football field with his name, beloved football coach and cornet virtuoso Howard Schnellenberger drops by to tell his top ten features of Boca Raton's sexiest athletic facility.

1. Licorice Suspenders Concession Stand. Sure, you'll get ants, but you'll also get aunts. In life, you have to take the good with the bad.

2. House band Chicago. I make them play Sly and the Family Stone songs, though. It's all about entertaining the fans.

3. Flaming Crossbow Firing Range for Kids. We live in an organized, civil society for now, but once the monetary system collapses, you're gonna want children who know how to put one through a raider's throat from fifty paces.

4. Alternate Schnellenberger History Display. Visitors can pair me with any college football team in existence during my tenure and see how far I'd take them. Watch me lead 1985 Missouri to the Cotton Bowl. Enjoy my national title parade with 1992 Cal. The only school I can't improve is Kentucky. Nature has limits.

5. Touchdown Pipe. Inspired by the Home Run Apple, we fill this with the finest illegally imported tobacco and light it after an Owl drive finishes in the end zone. Any fans seen coughing or complaining will be escorted from the stadium. Lungs need a workout just like every other muscle, hippie.

6. Pregame Owl Swarm. After the visiting team takes the field, our handlers release hundreds of extremely hungry owls onto the field. We haven't really decided what happens yet, but isn't the whole point of sport not knowing what you're going to see?

7. Turfman's All-Natural Horsehair and Fiberglass Athletic Sod. The only field in the world that's also an exfoliant.

8. The Hall of Champions. Featuring Ingrid Thulin, Bibi Andersson, Eva Dalbeck, and all the other talented Scandinavian beauties I worked with during my stint as Ingmar Bergman's receivers coach.

9. Jamón ibérico cannon. T-shirts are for orphans.

10. The network of underground tunnels we didn't file with the City. Tell Rivera the deal is on, and if he tries to double cross me again, he'll lose more than an eye this time.