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WHAT'S FRANK BEAMER COOKING?

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KISS THE COOK (AND TASTE MANHOOD INCARNATE)

Daniel Shirey-USA TODAY Sports

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What's Frank Beamer cooking up for you? Well, any of the following:

  1. Punts
  2. Revenge against that damn county judge and his high-falutin' cronies who put granpappy in the pen
  3. Probably not a quarterback
  4. Panda Cobbler (Panda Cobbler is a panda who makes shoes, not a dessert. Frank Beamer is not a monster. Also Panda Cobbler will get a few drives at QB "just to keep our options open.")
  5. Maybe a little 'shine if you're not wearing a G-man's shoes, friend
  6. The stuff you put in a car battery cause he makes his own and has since the Great Blizzard of '78
  7. Chicken thighs, because success hasn't dulled him to the pure value of solid savings combined with real savory yardbird flavor
  8. Maybe some pineapple rings, Frank's not immune to the charms of the islands
  9. Bud Foster's usual (grilled 12 pack of Busch Light put straight on grill, one whole hog head)
  10. A plan to put that Apple Store out of business once and for all, after they refused to repair his Laserdisc. IT'S MADE OF LASERS JUST GO GET MORE LASERS DUMMY.
  11. Another matchup with James Madison and dammit get the fire extinguisher--
  12. One shitburger labeled "FOR MIKE LONDON"
  13. New pot of turkey pheromones for huntin' season
  14. Second pot of turkey pheromones for courtin' season
  15. Jim Druckenmiller's Igloo Made of Ham

(Photo via the invincible Key Play)