New helmets are a staple of the college football offseason, but we feel they are too frequently analyzed on an embarrassingly superficial level. To improve the level of discussion, we gave the latest round to a college creative writing class and let them workshop it. These are their anonymous comments.
- The anthropomorphism just doesn't work. It makes the dialogue drag, and it'd be better if the hawk just crowed incessantly, allowing the reader to imagine what his screams mean.
- I'm not sure what the conflict is here. Man vs. nature? Man vs. himself? Man vs. blood?
- Needs a sex scene.
- The violence is deeply problematic. You're not giving the audience anything to root for if the protagonist helmet is just shattering itself against everything, including air. What are the helmet's motivations? Why does it hate itself?
- Either scrap the footnotes or put fifteen on every page.
- Again, all this erotic tension and no elaborately described sex scene.
SAN JOSE STATE
- What if the Spartan was an Aleutian Fisherman missing both of his hands?
- Historical fiction is a tricky genre to master, but the part where the Mountain West Conference built a laser cannon seemed confusingly anachronistic.
- MORE SEX.
- Perfect, gripping.
- The fluidity of the prose is matched only by the intricacy of the plot.
- I have to go to confession.