Dear Valued Ticket Holder,
ecrableciting season of Florida football is just around the corner, and Coach Muschamp wants to see you out there supporting the team! Be sure to check the schedule before you leave for the stadium to make sure you're dressed to match your fellow members of Gator Nation:
Idaho, August 30: INFRARED-OUT! You're "wearing a shirt" and Florida is "scoring touchdowns," it's just that neither is happening within the visible spectrum of light!
Eastern Michigan, September 6th: Endangered Species Day! Find a student in the student section, and shelter them until Florida Wildlife can take them to the safety of their captive breeding program. Wear orange vests for visibility.
Kentucky, September 13th: No Jacket Required Day. Enjoy the first ever Phil Collins Lookalike Contest and don't forget to sing "You Can't Hurry Love" in unison after every false start! (Capped at 10 false starts for licensing reasons.)
LSU, October 11th: NUDE AND COVERED IN POISON SUMAC WEAR ANTLERS FOR FREE PUBLIX SUB (For LSU "True Detective" Theme)
Missouri, October 18 (Homecoming): Suit of armor. Nothing can hurt you. You are impervious to the world's weaponry. You do not feel this 27 point defeat. You cannot move and you have urinated all over yourself. But you do not feel anything. Well, you feel the pee.
South Carolina, November 15th: A shirt. I dunno. It's not gonna be good. You probably don't want to waste a good one, is what we're saying. You got an old Stussy shirt hanging around? An old Stussy shirt would be perfect for this shit. Put something else here before we publish, Jeremy. Jesus, this team. This fucking team.
Eastern Kentucky, November 22nd: A MASK MADE OF BREAD THAT YOU EAT FROM ANOTHER FAN'S FACE BECAUSE HE IS ALSO WEARING A MASK MADE OF BREAD. NOTHING IS REAL. THE UNIVERSE IS WOVEN FROM LIES. WELCOME COACH BOBBY PETRINO TO THE FAMILY. BREAD. MASKS. (Sponsored by New Dad Bread)
See you this fall, and Go Gators!
tHE fLorida athletic dePartment