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Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

Dana Holgorsen, addressing the press:

I know you lie in recruiting a bunch. That's just a part of it.

"It's a short trip to Lubbock, and the team hotel is definitely not haunted by dead bank robbers."

"I did not get drunk with one of those dead bank robbers. Because they don't exist."

"That chimpanzee has a hunting license and a concealed carry permit, officer."

"We just don't consider Pitt a rival anymore. Now, when you leave the parking lot you're gonna want to take a right on Death Is Too Good For Dave Wannstedt Drive."

"No, we value defensive players. If you don't believe me, ask our starting safety, An Elk. We recruit Finland pretty hard."

"We know where Bob Huggins is and he can't hurt you."

"These are my pants."

"Those aren't my pants."

"Facilities are a top priority for us. We're going to get the feral pigs cleared out of the weight room next week."

"It's only a violation if I give you American dollars. Casino chips are all good. Also that's not blood."

"By state law, It's not murder if you do it with a harpoon gun. Then it's just, like, fishing."

"Flying a plane is just like flying a bike."

"Our fans are going to respect you no matter where you choose to go."

"Brandon Weeden could have been a great pro, he just went to the wrong team."

"I am definitely excited to open the season against Alabama."

"You get the chance to compete in the Big 12 against some of the greatest coaches in college football like Charlie Weis."

"Your folks will be able to see all our games on the Longhorn Network."

"I will return this money to you in three days, plus interest."

"This is an ankle Fitbit."

"You can have Buck Week off classes every year." <---is actually true

"Don't worry, rental cars are like toothbrushes. Lose one, just take one at the hotel for free."

"The bathroom was already like that."

"Downton Abbey? Never seen it, son."