BIG TEN SEASON PREVIEW: MICHIGAN STATE

I don't know anything about anything. Neither do you. Thus, I am the perfect person to predict the Big Ten. Though I guess you could too.

LAST SEASON:

Michigan State started out with three straight wins before losing at Notre Dame in a game marked by roughly eighty-seven pass interference penalties, forty-five of them on Darqueze Dennard. They then went undefeated for the remainder of the season, suffocating Michigan to death in a rainstorm, rendering Ohio State inoperable, and beating Stanford for the Big Ten's second Rose Bowl win since 2000. Rich Homie Quan was there.

WHAT WE LEARNED ABOUT MICHIGAN STATE IN 2013:

If they are up by ten on your team, your team should probably just go home. Take a shower. Maybe watch a few episodes of "Firefly." Sleep. Shh, it's already over.

SEASON PREVIEW BASED ON MARK DANTONIO LOOKING REALLY, REALLY TICKED OFF AND WEAPONS USED IN THE SECOND WORLD WAR:

This is Mark Dantonio. He's ticked off. He sees your deepest, darkest fears. He thinks you are gross, horrible people who probably couldn't defend on third down on your own 45 if your silly little lives depended on it. Hell, why'd they get to your 45 in the first place? Can't let that happen. Shouldn't let anyone cross midfield against you. That's true in life, too. Say you're on a date. She says, "let's go into this tapas bar and get cocktails and tiny plates of sausages covered in edible flowers?" That's midfield, son, and you can't let anyone cross it. So here's what you say. You say, "Honey, we're going home and watching Battleship Potemkin again, and that's final."

But if he could make Connor Cook look more like a really good quarterback and less like a flailing quesadilla with no guacamole to speak of, he can fix you, too. He's going to poke you, prod you, and you may lose to Central Michigan a few times, but give him a few years and you'll win the whole damn conference.

* JACKSONVILLE STATE 8/29

This is an S-mine, better known as a "Bouncing Betty." If they get triggered, they go airborne and explode, in a manner remarkably similar to how Jacksonville State QB Eli Jenkins will when set upon by the Michigan State defensive line.

MSU: 45 JSU: 14

* OREGON 9/6

This is a 31.5-inch caliber cannon named "Dora." It seemed like a really, really good idea at the time, in the way having a fifteen thousand pound armor-piercing cannon always seems like a good idea at the time. In a similar fashion, Michigan State-Oregon sounds like a really good idea at the time, but will somehow turn into a hellish journey into false starts and field goals.

MSU 21, OREGON 17.

* EASTERN MICHIGAN 9/20

Why yes, people attempted to weaponize cats. No, I don't want to know anything more about the experiments. And no, I do not want to watch Michigan State consume Eastern Michigan alive.

MSU: 70 EMU: 21

* WYOMING 9/27

This is the Japanese battleship Yamato, which could hold a crew of 2,000. Unfortunately, being really fucking huge didn't really help in its mission of "not sinking to the bottom of the ocean." In a related note, Wyoming being adorably frisky will likely not help in its mission of "not losing by 35."

MSU 45, WYOMING 10

* NEBRASKA 10/4

This is the Krummlauf, a barrel attachment for guns that enabled it to shoot around corners, LIKE A BOSS. Sure, it didn't exactly work all the time and the attachments would break but you could still shoot around corners LIKE A BOSS. And sure, maybe Nebraska's running game can't compete with MSU's defense, but maybe Ameer Abdullah can break into the secondary, and that could be cool!

MSU 28, NEBRASKA 21

* PURDUE 10/11

Nope and nope.

MSU 45, PURDUE 7

*INDIANA 10/18

A submarine with rocket launchers SOUNDS like a solid idea, and Indiana's high-powered offense SEEMS like it could compete (at home, no less), and yet both are likely to explode and sink and leave us all very sad.

MSU 35, INDIANA 21

*MICHIGAN 10/25

There was a plan in place in which bats would carry incendiary bombs and drop them over enemy targets. It was insane, almost as insane as the number of penalties accrued during Michigan-Michigan State and the amount of vodka I will consume throughout.

MICHIGAN SOMETHING, MSU SOMETHING ELSE, JANE: 8 VODKA TONICS

*OHIO STATE 11/8

This is the V-2 rocket, the first ballistic missile and the first man-made object to reach space. It was very scary, like this game.

MSU 21, OSU 20

*MARYLAND 11/15

The Sherman Crab, which was a tank with a "mine flail" on the front used to detonate land mines in the tank's path. The Crab could also tear up barbed wire, and was likely delicious with a little salt and Old Bay. Maryland's still going to lose this game, though.

MSU 28, MARYLAND 10

*RUTGERS 11/22

I don't want to talk about this.

MSU 45, RUTGERS OH GOD I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT.

*PENN STATE 11/29

This is the Focke-Wulf Triebflügel, German for "we combined a jet and a helicopter because fuuuck you." Like playing in Happy Valley, it was insane and confusing and didn't exactly work.

MSU 17, PENN STATE 14