clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

IT'S COME TO THIS: A CORGI'S PRESEASON TOP 25

New, 936 comments

PLEASE COME BACK, FOOTBALL. WE'RE LOSING OUR GRIP ON REALITY.

It's the absolute nadir of the college football calendar.  July 31st leaves us on the precipice, at the end of the last, barren month without games, past the car-washes and soundbites of media days, with nothing left to talk about.

With that in mind, let's generate some clickbaity content! make a preseason ranking!

My mind is too scrambled from Twitter, talk radio, summer heat, and my own personal biases to make a fair and balanced ranking.  So, I'm going to turn it over to an impartial observer, my Welsh Corgi Holly.

Holly was born on December 30th, 2010, quite possibly during Derek Dooley's only bowl appearance in his Tennessee career, so she's a natural college football fan.  A herding breed, she's demanding, insistent, and has the intellect of a three-year-old so, again - a natural college football fan.

I pulled her away from murdering a stuffed animal (we all gotta stay sharp in the offseason) and asked for her take on the 2014 college football season.

Here's her Preseason Top 25-Plus:

Also receiving votes:

Penn State (7-5) "It's been a hard climb back to contention for them, but I see them coming after a B1G title as soon as they're eligible again."

Nebraska (9-4) "They're always in it.  And hey, chili and cinnamon rolls?  That sounds delicious. Can I have some?"

Oklahoma State (10-3) "I find this terribly demeaning.  No, I don't think it's relevant. They're cowboys, not jockeys, you jerk."

Cincinnati (9-4) "Boy, you never know what to think.  This team could win the Group of Five bowl slot or lose the... the Miami Beach Bowl?  Really?  That's a thing?  I'm three and I think that's a slap in the face to tradition."

Virginia Tech (8-5) "Those Beamer defenses are always nasty.  I could've used them on my side when my guy stored his bike inside."

Michigan (7-6) "Bill Connelly called them 'fragile and volatile', and that's how I felt here."

25. Louisville (12-1) "That Bobby Petrino's a hired goon, but I like that. He's gonna bust some heads. Maybe his own. Who knows."

24. Central Florida (12-1) "It's exciting the first time you climb to the top, but scary when you look where you could fall."

23. North Carolina (7-6) "They're erratic, but fun."

22. Washington (9-4) "Oooh, Huskies?  Come over, bae, my folks aren't home."

21. Texas (8-5) "Who knows what's gonna happen in Charlie Strong's first year?  Also, what is football?  I'm a dog."

20. Ole Miss (8-5) "They're always entertaining."

19. Texas A&M (9-4) "I miss Johnny Football.  My guy's a Browns fan, which is only gonna make the whole thing more depressing this year.  I'll probably get a lot of 3rd-quarter trips to the dog park on Sundays."

18. Mizzou (12-2) "Great, surprising year last year.  A hangover is inevitable. Sometimes you play too hard and want to sleep for two days."

17. Wisconsin (9-4) "They're frisky, but I think they're vulnerable once they get out of the B1G and play with the big dogs."

16. Clemson (11-2) "Gonna miss Sammy Watkins, but they're tenacious on defense. Tough."

15. Notre Dame (9-4) "Kelly's got a lot to work with, but I fear their schedule is too top-heavy."

14. USC (10-4) "Big sleeper potential here."

13. LSU (10-3) "I don't like cats, but even I know better than to leave LSU out.  Here's my headshot, I'm available for commercials and TV work.  Open to tasteful nudity."

12. Stanford (11-3) "If I were a betting dog, I'd put them in the Fiesta Bowl this year."

11. South Carolina (11-2) "Still chasing the traditional powers for that elusive SEC title."

10. Georgia (8-5) "The question with them always is, can they stay healthy?"

9. Baylor (11-2) "Man, they are a fun ride."

8. UCLA (10-3) "How high can they go?  High enough to get my guy's nieces' presents off the table?"

7. Ohio State (12-2) "When you're filling out a ballot, sometimes you just defer to a safe, lazy choice. Let others carry you."

6. Alabama (11-2) "I see a lot of myself in Nick Saban.  I'm smart, I'm bossy, and I'm 12 inches tall."

5. Oregon (11-2) "I respect a team with fashion sense."

4. Auburn (12-2) "It hurts to come as close as they did last year and not get it.  I know the feeling."

3. Michigan State (13-1) "Gritty, nasty blue-collar football.  I was born in Michigan, I respect that."

2. Oklahoma (11-2) "Surprised some people last year, but it's tougher to perform when the big guys have their eyes on you again."

1. Florida State (14-0) "They brought most of their talent back?  Oh, crap.  They're gonna run through the ACC like a vacuum cleaner."

"Alright, can I go now?  I think I heard someone open the fridge."