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PAT FITZGERALD, TERRIBLE REALTOR

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WELCOME YOU HAVE LESS THAN AN HOUR TO BUY THIS HOUSE

HELEN: I don't know, Dennis. It's really not what we're looking for.

DENNIS: Don't think of it as it is now. Think of what we could DO with the place. It's got great bones.

PAT FITZGERALD: You're exactly right, friend. This house is not for someone who wants to sit on his butt and not rip out some cabinets. This house is for someone who wants to work. Someone who wants to get his hands dirty and build something.

HELEN: Oh, I didn't mean to imply that we're not willing to do some remodeling.

FITZGERALD: Great! You've got the next 48 minutes to sign a contract on this property.

DENNIS: We, um, were hoping to look at a few other houses tod-

FITZGERALD: Goddammit, I'm not getting burned by another buyer who walks away at the 11th hour because they found the perfect place in Columbus or Ann Arbor or Madison. I'm just not. 47 minutes.

HELEN: I don't feel comfortable putting an offer in today. We haven't even seen the whole house!

FITZGERALD: If you believed in this house, you wouldn't need to see the whole thing. You'd buy it today and never look back.

DENNIS: We're leaving.

FITZGERALD: I WILL BURN THIS HOUSE TO THE GROUND AND THEN YOU'LL BE FORCED TO LIVE IN WEST LAFAYETTE.