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THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL: BIG TEN MEDIA DAY PREDICTIONS

Bring your own Ro-tel.

By cjanerun01
Greg Fiume

Big Ten media days start today. Here are some predictions that I've beer-battered and served with a garlic aioli for $9.95. Please tip your waitress.

  • Everyone's defense is more physical. Except for Northwestern, because Northwestern's dad said that they didn't need to be physical, just need to keep focused on school work and those after-school viola lessons.
  • Darrell Hazell will laugh at least four times in response to the question, "So there's really nowhere for Purdue to go but up, right?" because, sportswriters, there is always a way for Purdue to go, and that way is always "south/down/into a large fire."
  • Brady Hoke will say the word "well" 87 times, breaking his Spring 2012 record.
  • Mark Dantonio will stare at the continental breakfast until there is cantaloupe, and then, and only then, will he break his gaze. He is deadly serious about cantaloupe.
  • Kyle Flood will get lost and somehow wind up in Belleville, Illinois. There's a roundabout in the center of town, Kyle. Just get your way back to 64, go to St. Louis, and take a Megabus back to Chicago. The Megabus picks up at Union Station.
  • James Franklin will jokingly whack Urban Meyer on the back and Urban Meyer will use it as impetus to blitz on first down for a solid three hours on October 25th. Sorry, Christian Hackenberg.
  • Jim Delaney will make a joke about Southern Illinois joining the Big Ten, and no one will laugh, because it is not funny. Not funny, Jim. Not funny.
  • Bo Pelini already thinks your questions are stupid. He thought that yesterday, too.
  • Tim Beckman will say that Illinois really is Chicago's Big Ten team, and this will be commented upon as if someone out there cares about what Chicago's Big Ten team is.
  • Kirk Ferentz will create a breakfast sandwich out of French toast, sausage, a corn muffin, and a sprinkle of Greek yogurt. It will be disgusting, but he will consume it and enjoy it.
  • Randy Edsall will spend his entire speaking segment looking at the audience in silence. It's "media days" not "listen to Randy Edsall bullshit days," he thinks.  "You gotta reserve in advance to hear that."