OHIO STATE'S ROSTER EXAMINED

1. There are five Big Ten states from which the Buckeyes do not have a single player: Iowa, Maryland, Minnesota, Nebraska, and Wisconsin. They do, however, have one player (receiver Peter Gwilym) from Maine. Is Urban Meyer implying that Maine is a better football state and Iowa or Wisconsin. One hundred percent.

2. Only one player (Cameron Burrows) has initials that match his position, unless defensive end Dylan Thompson gets moved inside. That's an astonishing lack of long-term preparation for this roster. How do you expect 6'6", 307 pound Darryl Baldwin to play offensive line when he was BORN to play defensive back?

3. Oh, right, because Ohio State's only returning one starter on said line. That's how.

4. For peak Midwestern, the Buckeyes can put receivers Joe Ramstetter and Frank Epitropoulos on the field together. This formation is known as the Schlatz Beer Truck Delivery Crew, and it posts nothing but political conspiracy theories on Facebook.

5. We hate them forever for getting Raekwon McMillan.

6. 13 players on the roster are from Cleveland. That means one could, with some position assignment flexibility, field an all-Cleveland offense. It is called metaBrown, and it scores eight points a game, all on field goals. (One point is deducted as part of the Pilot Flying J Rebate program.)

7. They have Chris Rock?!??!!?

DAMMIT.