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Matthew Emmons-US PRESSWIRE

A special message from that most august and revered institutions, the University of Michigan Board of Regents.

In light of the request from Peter Smilley, male child and heir to Regent Thomas Smilley, that a party be thrown in honor of the eight anniversary of his uterine expulsion, the Board of Regents does hereby respond as follows:

Fireworks shall not be allowed. The explosive sensation of being surrounded by accomplished adults holding degrees in various fields from the University of Michigan is sufficient for all but the shabbiest mountain folk.

- Cake shall not be served on grounds that it is spongy like the souls of Ohioans, a corruption borne to them from the corrupt French womb and carried forth on sails of sinful frosting. Our lakes shall not abide them; they shall sink on the shores of our virtue. A limited supply of freshly sliced apples will do. (No Honeycrisps: these are reserved for Gold Level Donors only.)

- One (1) Hispanic beating statue, commonly known as a "piñata," shall be purchased and filled with nutritious yogurt raisins. It shall not, however, be broken by any force other than time and erosion, to remind the child that a Michigan Man rejects violence against animals.

- The celebrated child and his juvenile guests shall not have exposed midriffs, thighs, or necks. This is not an Indiana wedding.

- Two (2) dunking tanks shall be provided for the development of motor skills. In one will sit an unpaid student volunteer wearing a sign reading "MAMMON"; in the other, another unpaid student volunteer wearing a sign reading indolence. Parents may throw for free; show a Michigan ID, and pay the low price of $128.

- One (1) yoke shall be supplied by a nearby organic farm as a symbol of the impending work of life and its heavy burden. It shall also be placed around the neck of Brady Hoke, so that he might pull partygoers home in an eco-sustainable fashion.

- Thirty (30) pizzas and one (1) large manure bag will be provided. See previous item.

- In lieu of "Happy Birthday to You," the attendees will respectfully hum "The Victors." At the conclusion of the song, any attendee without a tear in his or her eye will be escorted from the premises and forced to read Lloyd Carr's unreleased book of epistolary poems, "Letters To Tress."

Letters to Tress, Canto IV: Eat my shit (a haiku)
Eat my shit, Jimbo
Eat it on oatmeal. Eat it
And think of sadness

- LC, 2004
Ann Arbor

- No gifts will be presented to the child. The University believes each person should rely only on the superior intellect and moral compass with which he or she was formed, as well as any inheritance from his or her father's aluminum holdings in the Arab states.

- As per Bylaw III.7.A, the festivities will conclude with the Blaming of All Ills, Both Here and Abroad, on Richard Rodriguez.

- As per Bylaw XI.3.B, The Gary Moeller Bar shall cut all patrons off after one complimentary beverage.

- Party favor bags will be given to participants. They shall contain what you hold on entry and departure from this earth: nothing.

- Bowser-Man The Clown shall perform one (1) sixty minute routine of light legerdemain and balloon animal construction. The final act by contract must be his patented "Unshattered Mirror" routine featuring Bowser-Man throwing one hundred foam footballs at a mirror, failing to crack it, and then weeping while staring into his reflection as "Adagio for Strings" plays on a boombox (1) in the background.


(Bowser-Man, in full costume)

The staring must last no less than 15 minutes or the contract (sum of $14.75 per hour) shall NOT be paid.

For more information, please visit from a Board of Regents approved computer and Internet browser (Netscape Navigator and/or Netscape Navigator 2.0).