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Dale Zanine-USA TODAY Sports

[strolls in, wipes muddy boots on dog's bed]

Rebuildin', ya say.  Well, that's what you hired me for, I'm the best in the business.  It's right there on the side of my truck, so you know it's true.  Gonna have to look around and get an estimate for what you need done here.

[puts on reading glasses]

Alright, now, right off the bat, I can see you've got a problem.  What Joker'd you hire to work on this place before?  Now, your cupboards, they're just taped to the wall.  Damn lucky they're bare, I'll tell you.  You put one good season in there, whole dang thing might collapse under the expectations.  Seen it a million times.  Happened on this place I worked on up in Hartford.  One minute they're in the Fiesta Bowl, and before you know it they're playin' Memphis on a Tuesday afternoon.  Gotta be careful.

[walks into living room]

Hoo boy, you got a lot of seating in here for a small family.  I'm gonna level with you, this isn't up to code, and I'd like to let you slide, I would, but I've got a reputation to uphold.  People respect general contractors, because they know we're honest.  We're gonna have to take these out, right away.

[pulls out two-way pager] "Basher!  Got a job for you"

[Mark Mangino shambles in, pants halfway down butt]
[mumbled profanity]
[swings sledgehammer into couch]
[farts, shambles out]

That'll be eight thousand dollars.

Anyways, movin' on, I see you tried to put in a Stoops.  Lotta people make that mistake, you think, hey, I'm gonna fix this mahself, and you don't hire a licensed and bonded contractor you can trust like ol' Dale here.  Well, lookie what you did wrong.

[shines flashlight on label]

That right there's a Mark.  You're gonna need at least a Mike for this kind of place.  Heck, with all the water damage from the drainage you're getting off that Hilltop over there, I'd recommend a Bob if you actually want fix things.  Course, those come pricey.

Alright, let's go outside, take a look at your foundation.  *low whistle*  Well, this is worse than I expected.  This base may look strong, but it's full of cracks.  See, look at this here.  You thought you had a 4-star wideout, something you could build on.

[taps with knuckles, making a hollow sound]

That's actually a 4-star yelp review for a post office.  Not sure why someone would've even reviewed that, but I bet they didn't hire a contractor, and that's when mistakes like this happen.

[shimmies into crawl space]

Oh boy.  You've got a real problem here.  Come on down here, take a look for yourself.  You see those red roots?  Looks like your neighbor there to the west is eating right into your recruiting base.  That could undermine your whole thing here.  I can shore you up for now, but unless you two figure that out, you're in big trouble, pal.

Honestly, if this is the shape you're gonna keep this place in, I'm surprised you're botherin' to stay in a pricey neighborhood like this.  Y'all oughta take a look at the sun belt, I hear there's some real nice housing down there.  Could plant some Camellias.