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That thing you're doing with your teeth where your mouth moves and he can see them while you push air over your vocal cords and make noises that make no sense in his direction with a microphone.

Keeping him from watching film in the dark with no one else around him to bother him with human things.

Your tie is a nanometer off straight and he can see it.

You suggest Alabama will be good this year.

That time that worthless piece of crap Jeff left the gas station door open back in West Virginia and raccoons stole all the honey buns and he had to spend January living penitently in a coal mine and maybe your dad wasn't all that mean, yanno?

You suggest Alabama will be bad this year.


You suggest anything whatsoever.

Noble gases. Valence electrons shouldn't be the basis of absolute power, and xenon's a drunk. NOT TEAM PLAYERS.

Still pissed at Warren St. John for implying Mick Jagger was not a great entertainer.

You ask him about something he can't control. At Alabama we only worry about the things we can control. We're not in the business of worrying about things we can't control. We worry about our team. I can't answer things about other teams. If you wanna know about another team, well, you need to ask them. I can answer questions about Alabama. That's the team I'm paid to coach. That football helmet down there still Alabama? I hope it is. If it ain't, someone let me know so I can call some people, because I'm gonna have to call some people. That doesn't answer your question. I'm sorry, but maybe you need to ask a different question, or ask a different person. I'm not that person. Someone else is that person. Go ask that person. You wanna ask Gus, well hell, go ask Gus. You wanna ask an Alabama question, I'm right here and happy to ask it. Y'all scared of me now? You're probably scared of me now.*

*Nick Saban will actually say this today, with his voice rising slowly in anger the whole time. (Also don't ask him about Blade II. He haaaates Blade II. Blade or Blade: Trinity are ok, though.)

The state of Maryland. Pick a reasonable shape and stick with it like those sensible Western states.

Remembers he missed a beat on his lines in "The Blind Side" and that amateur Sandra Bullock didn't say shit about it come on be a competitor Sandy.

There isn't one of you in this room that could have made the scout team at linebacker and OH GOD THIS INFURIATES HIM ESPECIALLY NOT YOU, GODFREY. I KNOW YOU'RE JUST LOOKING UP UNCLE TUPELO TABS RIGHT NOW.

Klimt. Don't slap some gold leaf on a titty and tell me it's art. I go to church. I know what's up.