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LETS TALK ABOUT BUTTS, AMERICA

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BRET BIELEMA IS WRONG ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS, BUT BUTTS ARE NOT ONE

He's got an incredible ass.

--Bret Bielema on defensive tackle Bijhon Jackson

It's time we had an honest talk about butts, America. We are not pioneers in this. David Fleming's groundbreaking article on the importance of the ass in sports (and really life in general) did it first, and said what Mike Mayock has been trying to tell you all along: the butt is the engine of the body, and the bigger and more solid an engine block you have, the more likely you are to be able to absolutely knock someone else's sad, inferior, and less majestic ass off the ball.

Butts are so deeply important, America. Butts made this nation great, and not just on the defensive line, but...but yes, mostly on the defensive line. To be a majestic lineman, you must have a butt and a gut to move business in the ruts, and it's okay to talk about that because no athlete prospers without a mighty foundation. And that mighty foundation, the largest muscle in the body and the great propulsion engine literally behind every athlete, is the ass.

So make fun of Bret Bielema's remark at SEC Media Days today if you like, but we're long past the time to embrace athletic buttspeak.  Exactly 46% of the average person's day is spent thinking about butts anyway, and for the average football coach that's much, much, much higher, particularly for line coaches. (Like, it's easily 60% of their total thought process, with other portions of the brain reserved for feet, hands, and whatever their next meal.)