THE BIG TEN UPDATE SAYS....HEY....RUTGERS

When I was twelve, my older sister started dating a guy named Lou. He was an idiot. His two largest flaws were:

1.) He was around 24, and 24-year-olds dating 18-year-olds are idiots. Especially when he said things to my sister like, "You won't think like that (about anything) when you're my age," like being 24 made you the fucking Ben Franklin of elderly wisdom instead of some dipshit working at a suburban Cincinnati Italian restaurant and trying to hook up with my sister. I've been 24, buddy, and when I was 24, I did things not recommended by law or the Surgeon General or your parents. 24-year-olds (especially in large cities) are like teenagers with retirement plans. Lou needed to slow his damn roll.

2.) He referred to me as "little lady." Never call anyone "little lady," unless it is 1935 and you are speaking with the late, great Shirley Temple. I was in eighth grade. I had begun swearing among groups of my peers. I was not into being called "little lady*."

But when a family member begins to date someone, you suck it up and attempt to make polite conversation, even if they're a completely useless toolbag who is likely living in like, Liberty Township and working as a bartender at an Olive Garden. Your loved one has made a choice, and you need to put up with it.

The Big Ten has decided to start dating Rutgers and Maryland. Neither of these two schools has ever called me "little lady." Sure, I may have said some things regarding both academic institutions, but I'm not mad at them, I'm mad at our Big Ten overlords and also how long it takes to defrost meat in a microwave.

So let's get to know these new members of the Big Ten. I'm sure they are good people and will never park in front of my parent's drive way like assholes. To start, I spoke with Kevin Recio of On The Banks and knower of all things Rutgers. He sounds friendly and optimistic, but let's find him after Rutgers plays Iowa in Iowa City and the final score is 13-11.

Can't think of a particular meat product that I'm especially craving, but I was promised several different types all on a stick and if I don't get them I'll start the Julie Hermann machine again.

What should we know about Rutgers athletics right now, beyond "Julie Hermann is a questionable human being" and "Big Ten footprint"?

Rutgers athletics is in place to succeed. The football program is competitive and is capable of bringing in top recruits, the wrestling program is top-25 worthy, and many Olympic sports (baseball, men's soccer, lacrosse) can win right away. The state of New Jersey is filled with top talent for football and basketball, so the long term prospects for RU are very, very good. And I don't think throwing more money at a university is ever a bad thing.

For many of us, Rutgers football came into existence in 2006, which is clearly not true because I just looked it up. Can you give us a brief history of Rutgers football for people who, say, maybe thought Greg Schiano was still coach until they remembered the MRSA incident at Tampa Bay and went, "ohhh, right"?

Well, Rutgers is the birthplace of college football, and I'm sure you already knew that BUT I DON'T CARE WE'LL KEEP REMINDING PEOPLE. Also, the esteemed Paul Robeson was a member of the team during his tenure at RU. If you're not familiar with him, he's basically just an amazing person who was amazing at everything he did. (ed: Fact.)

Rutgers basically scheduled Ivy League schools and Bucknell and Lehigh until about the 70s, when the administration decided to just go ahead and dive into legitimate Division I football. The program struggled somewhat to become the next Michigan due to a mix of factors, namely faculty that opposed the initiative, lack of vision, and other programs having a head start of about several decades.

Kyle Flood is about to start his third year, after going 6-7 with a loss to Notre Dame in the Pinstripe Bowl. Two questions: do you now hate Notre Dame, and what do you expect in 2014? Are you still expecting to reach a bowl?

Honestly, I'm pretty apathetic towards Notre Dame. Don't care if they're doing well or doing poorly (although it's probably helped that they've been doing poorly for quite some time save for 2012). For 2014, I do expect Rutgers to make a bowl. Washington State will be a tough matchup for the Knights, but if RU wins that game and the rest of the non-conference schedule, they only need two B1G wins to go bowling. A 2-6 conference record is entirely possible.

I've noticed a lot of enmity between Rutgers and Penn State, like Penn State told Rutgers' now ex-girlfriend about that "incident" at that bar on College Ave*. Is September 13th going to end in mass arrests?

Are you confusing us with the Terps? While the game on September 13 is nearing critical mass, Rutgers isn't exactly known for causing mass destruction of living room furniture after games. Although, this is a new conference, so I guess all bets are off. What's more likely to happen is fans finding more efficient ways to clog arteries through fat sandwiches from the Grease Trucks.

Who are the Rutgers players we should know, for either being awesome or insanely infuriating?

Players who are awesome: DT Darius Hamilton, WR Leonte Carroo, LB Steve Longa, RB Paul James

Players who are insanely infuriating: QB Gary Nova, QB Gary Nova, and QB Gary Nova

Predictions for your first season in America's greatest* athletic conference?

I think a team in the B1G East division surprisingly tanks this season, and it isn't Rutgers. That'll help the Scarlet Knights get to 7-5 and bowling in either the esteemed Pinstripe Bowl (again) or that new bowl in Detroit.

IN OTHER NEWS

This headline makes Ohio State sound like it should be barred from being within 50 feet of a school.

70% of older Nebraskans have the internet because how else are they going to write angry letters to Shawn Eichorst about Bo Pellini's use of profanity?

Madonna's daughter is going to Michigan. And yet not one person thought to email me about this extremely critical news.

No one is going to make it out of Ohio State-Michigan State alive.

Failing to academically qualify is not good, Jeff Jones.

Duke Ellington and Madison, Wisconsin: this actually happened.

THERE'S NO OLD BAY IN ICE CREAM, MARYLAND.

Attention Iowans: go to Iowa.

The Illinois basketball teams could be playing in Peoria.

As long as Purdue football doesn't get involved, this salamander should be fine.

Indiana has enacted a "bill of rights" for athletes.

This headline is infinitely more interesting than the resulting story. Sorry.

Penn State fans are the ninth-most loyal fan base, behind Michigan, Ohio State, and Nebraska fans because this ranking was apparently based on "ability to complain on the internet while wearing large sweatpants."