THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL EXPLAINS BUSINESS

In a time when schools are increasingly fretting over dwindling attendance and sales, Texas Tech just pulled out an impressive feat: they've sold out of season tickets for the first time in school history. What's the secret? Competitive pricing? Additional perks? Improvements to the stadium experience? Exclusive to EDSBS, let's review some transcripts of a few successful sales calls from the Lubbock ticket office.

(call answered)
P1: Hello?
P2: Good afternoon! May I please speak with the lady of the house?
P1: This is she.
P2: Well, ma'am, this is Coach Kliff Kingsbury calling, hoping I can count you and your family in for Red Raider season tickets this fall. We're very excited about the team and think it's going to be a really big year for ourselves and our fans.
P1: I'd have to talk to my husband about that.
P2: Not to be rude, ma'am, but I just don't think that's true. I can tell from your voice that you're a strong woman. A woman who both loves her husband and refuses to be limited by him. Not with needs, but with desires. Powerful desires that can't be denied. And I won't ever go against those desires, ma'am.
P1: We'll take ten.
(call ended)

(call answered)
P1: Top Gun Air Conditioning and Refrigeration, this is Jimmy.
P2: Jimmy, it's Texas Tech football coach Kliff Kingsbury. Kickoff's gonna be here before you know it, and me and the fellas want to see you up in the stands all season long. Can we put you down for some tickets, Jimmy?
P1: Coach, I just don't think I'm interested this year. Boss just gave me a promotion, and between that extra responsibility and, well, I'm just not a crowds guy. Who wants some stranger sweatin' on you and screamin' in your ear?
P2: Congrats on the promotion, Jimmy. You must have been real pleased.
P1: I was, as a matter of fact.
P2: Funny thing about pleasure, Jimmy. So much of it is a societal construct - a promotion, buying a new house, getting elected PTA president. It's not a lie exactly, Jimmy. But it also isn't true. And you see, every so often in life, an opportunity comes along for real pleasure. Writhing, unbridled, animalistic pleasure, the kind where gender or religion or marital status doesn't matter because you are awash in a sea of fellow pleasure-seekers.
P1: (silence)
P2: That's what I'm calling about, Jimmy.
P1: You accept Amex?
(call ended)

(call answered)
P1: You have reached the Baker residence. We can't come to the phone right now, but please leave your n-
P2: (censored for explicit sexuality) (like, some really freaky shit) (there are multiple safety words involved)
P1: -ame and number after the beep and we'll commit to a luxury box right now, no questions asked.
(call ended)