THE BIG TEN IS YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE

This week in the Big Ten: a Michigan Man tried to help a fellow Michigan Man in need (of heroin), a spooky house in Ohio contained some spooky stuff, and you probably committed to Wisconsin. Also, no one knows how many teams are in this stupid conference.

MICHIGAN STATE

Michigan State researchers found that surfing the Internet during class is bad. Brave work, Michigan State researchers.

Michigan State's corpse flower will soon be blooming. And there is no episode of Law and Order in which a corpse flower is used to cover up a body. Dick Wolf failed us all.

Jayru Campbell, a Michigan State commit who body-slammed a school security guard (on video), has decommitted and opened up his recruitment again. He is also taking anger-management classes, a core piece of which is "do not body slam security guards."

WISCONSIN

Seriously, everyone is getting offers from Wisconsin.You've got an offer from Wisconsin, and you're taking your official next week. Sorry if you didn't know already.

Wisconsin basketball was 7th in attendance, because how could you not want to watch a Bo Ryan-coached offense? He puts the "high" in "high-flying offensive masterpiece." Also the "meh" and the "how is this game still going on."

This train is bound for someone getting arrested on a drunk and disorderly.

NEBRASKA

You just don't steal beef from Nebraska. You just don't .

The 1995 Nebraska team is one of college football's best.They also probably ate beef. Which Floridians TRIED TO STEAL FROM NEBRASKA WHO STEALS BEEF. WHO. WHAT COLD SON OF A BITCH STEALS DELICIOUS TASTY BEEF.

Early betting lines have Nebraska at 9-3 this season, which is very Nebraska.

IOWA

I do not want to be in this pool. No thank you.

That's the most horrifying load of meat to be on an Iowa road since the 1999 Hawkeyes.

A reporter followed Fran McCaffery around for a day and he didn't even have a chair-throwing spasm of leadership.

NORTHWESTERN

Northwestern may be going peanut-free at some games. However, if you're allergic to injuries and last-second losses, Northwestern ain't got shit to tell ya.

I wonder why Gary Anderson didn't mention Illinois or Northwestern when discussing "quality" teams. Hmm.

Northwestern is getting a transfer from Yale, so Northwestern students should prepare themselves for someone to compare everything in New Haven to everything in Evanston and complain a lot. In a related note, I did not get into Yale, but they did send me mail, which is almost like getting in.

MICHIGAN

A reminder that no one can heave cash at things better than the University of Michigan. I'm pretty sure Cash Heaving 202 fulfills your Natural Science requirement.

Nothing says friendship like trying to throw a football stuffed with heroin, marijuana, tobacco, three cell phones and a few cell phone chargers into a prison yard. That's dedication. Also, good packing technique.

Michigan picked up a 4-star tight end. We will put him into terrifying crossing patterns desperately hoping that he has bafflingly large hands and can pick up first downs.

OHIO STATE

I grew up in Cincinnati, south of Dayton, and spent a lot of time on long car rides driving up 75. Once you get past West Chester, there's pretty much nothing there. Just road and grass and signs saying 'HELL IS REAL' and 'REPENT NOW' and tiny towns with more cemeteries than homes. So let's just say that this kid finding a mummified body in an abandoned home in Dayton is unsurprising and also incredibly creepy.

Urban Meyer's daughter talked about her father for Father's Day.

We need to talk about quality trolling.

MINNESOTA

The Minnesota rowing team rescued a woman from the Mississippi. Rowers tend to be good people, which is odd considering that spending more than 10 minutes on an Erg makes you want to jump off a bridge.

ESPN previews Minnesota's key stretch of games for this football season.

Mudslides are scary.

PENN STATE

"Linebacker U" could be on its way back.Maybe. I don't know.

Maryland-PSU could become a new rivalry WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO US, JIM DELANY. AND WHY.

38,000 tickets have been sold for PSU-UCF in Ireland because people would literally inject college football into their carotid arteries if that didn't result in death/turning into Mike Gundy.

ILLINOIS

Is Tim Beckman on the hot seat? Does Illinois have seats? Why does this link want to send push notifications to my computer? At what time in my life would I say to myself, "goddamn, do I ever need push notifications about Illinois football?" Would that time be "a very low point" or "the nadir?"

Illinois: take note.

Illinois is the second-flattest state. Wheee.

INDIANA

I have no idea what's going on in this article, but it has something to do with Indiana cheating so I'm in.

Indiana's taking its talents to China. Beijing: if you see an angry man with a center part and large pants wandering about, please stay away from him. His name is Tom Crean, and you probably wrecked the program.

Nope, no thank you, Ms. Cavefish, I'm cool.

PURDUE

I don't want to.

Come on, Jane.

Can't I just post a picture of a hedgehog named Bruce Quillis?

No.

Fine.

What should you achieve as a Boilermaker? On the list: "have fun learning." Not on the list: "keep knee intact."

What's next for the south end zone in Ross-Ade? What's next for us all? Where are we going? Will the petty pace of existence continue onward, unceasingly, driving us all towards an unforeseen horizon? Will Purdue still have a football team then?

Purdue's athletic director would like Purdue to be better at athletics.