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THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL WANTS SOME MARVIN GAYE

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MACK BROWN IS READY TO SLOW JAM YOU

Soobum Im-USA TODAY Sports

Showman and Extreme Hair Parter Mack Brown is rumored to be joining ESPN as a studio analyst, and whoa whoa whoa Mark May just put the knife down let's not do this. What Brown's role would be is not entirely clear; he could potentially begin a transition into the spot soon to be vacated by Lou Holtz, or he could serve as the network's Resident R&B Expert.

Thing is, Mack, you can't just talk about the artists you like - that wouldn't be embracing debate. No, if you're going to nail this gig, you need to be ready to discuss

MACK BROWN'S PRESEASON BOTTOM 5 R&B ARTISTS PRESENTED BY CARFAX

5. Robin Thicke. Trying much too hard to be all sexy like when we all know he can't hold a dang candle to his daddy. (Editor's note: Alan Thicke is 41 in that clip and yes, he is sleeping with your divorced mom.)

4. Jason Derulo. Could just be me, but when he's singin' I always think it sounds like he's about to start cryin'. And not in the soulful way.

3. Rihanna. Keep havin' these...unusual...dreams about that one. Not entirely comfortable with what happens in those dreams. Not entirely uncomfortable with it either, if you catch my drift.

2. Justin Timberlake. I didn't give up on Case McCoy, and I'm not about to give up on J.C. Chasez. Time's gonna vindicate us true believers, J.C.

1. Hologram Michael Jackson. I've got nothing but the utmost respect for the original MJ, but he's passed and this new fella doesn't even have to use the bathroom. That's unnatural. What happens to all the iced tea he drinks?