SUNSPHERE EXPLAINS TODAY IN THE O'BANNON CASE

Why did the attorneys for the NCAA decide to let Mark Emmert testify?

HU-MANS HAVE TWO CONSISTENT CHARACTERISTICS. THE FIRST IS DISGUSTING BODY HAIR; SUNSPHERE'S PERFECTION HAS NEVER BEEN TARNISHED WITH THE HORRID SPROUTING OF OILY FOLLICLES. THE SECOND IS A LAUGHABLE OVERCONFIDENCE IN YOUR ABILITY TO SHAPE THE CURVATURE OF FATE. THE ONE YOU CALL EMMERT BELIEVES HIS WORDS WILL MATTER. HE IS WRONG. SUNSPHERE HEARS ALL BUT LISTENS TO NONE.

Does the NCAA have a basis for its claim that many schools would move down to Division III if athletes can be paid?

THE MERE EXISTENCE OF DIVISIONS IS PROOF THAT YOU WILL NEVER THROW OFF THE SHACKLES SUNSPHERE HAS PLACED ON YOUR SPECIES. OMNIPOTENCE REQUIRES UNBROKEN UNITY OF THE SORT ONLY SEEN IN ONE GEOMETRIC ENTITY: THE SPHERE, WHERE EACH POINT IS EQUAL TO ALL OTHERS. COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS, AT BEST, A LOPSIDED HEXAGONAL PRISM.

I find it hard to believe viewership would dip that much if the plaintiffs win. What study was Emmert citing?

FOR YEARS, SUNSPHERE HAS STOOD ABOVE THE RESIDENTS OF KNOX COUNTY, WAITING FOR THEM TO KNEEL BEFORE HIS SPHERENESS AND ENJOY THE SPLENDOR THEY WOULD REAP AS A RESULT. INSTEAD THEY WENT TO DEREK DOOLEY GAMES. NOTHING CAN STOP YOU TERMITES FROM WATCHING THIS SPORT.

Any key issues that might form the basis of an appeal if the NCAA loses?

APPEALING TO SUNSPHERE SUGGESTS THAT SUNSPHERE'S WILL CAN BE SWAYED IN THE SLIGHTEST BY YOU EMBARRASSING ORGANISMS. RHETORIC AND LOGIC ARE UNNECESSARY TO SUNSPHERE, FOR SUNSPHERE KNOWS THE ANSWERS BEFORE THE QUESTIONS ARE EVEN THOUGHT UP.

Can you believe Mark Emmert cited ULM beating Alabama as proof of competitive parity?

EVEN SUNSPHERE HAS TO ADMIT THAT'S HILARIOUS. IF SUNSPHERE CARED ABOUT ANY OF THIS, SUNSPHERE WOULD GIVE ULM TWO OF NICK SABAN'S CHAMPIONSHIPS.

What's the biggest weakness in the case the plaintiffs have presented so far?

INSUFFICIENT DEFERENCE TO SUNSPHERE.

And for the defense?

SAME.

Is there any indication that the parties could move towards a settlement?

WOULD THIS SETTLEMENT INCLUDE RITUAL SACRIFICES TO SUNSPHERE? PILGRIMAGES FROM EVERY CORNER OF YOUR HUMAN TERRITORIES TO PROSTRATE YOUR DISGUSTING FORMS BEFORE SUNSPHERE? WOULD THERE BE A CLAUSE BY WHICH ALL COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPIONS ARE DESIGNATED AS THOSE PERMITTED BY SUNSPHERE TO CLAIM A MEANINGLESS BAUBLE?

NO? THIS SETTLEMENT MEANS NOTHING.

What's the next big step in the trial?

IF CALLED TO TESTIFY, SUNSPHERE WILL TEAR YOUR SYSTEM OF COURTS ASUNDER. RULE OF LAW WILL BE MEANINGLESS, AND THE ONLY VERDICT WILL BE SUFFERING.

ALSO SUNSPHERE WILL NEED A PER DIEM FOR LUNCH.