YOUR #B1G WORLD CUP TEAM

The World Cup begins today, and you should probably find a team to root for or else no one will talk to you. If you are a Big Ten fan and would like to find a team similar to your favorite Big Ten team because the yawning chasm of your own self-loathing just isn't doing it for you, then England is the obvious choice.

England is like the Big Ten's sassy older parent, like Sophia Petrillo or whomever it is I had co-sign on my student loans. There are so many similarities:

ENGLAND:

* Old, and proud of it. Every bar is somewhere CS Lewis got hammered while yelling obscenities at PG Wodehouse.

* Full of food that is salty and rich but not particularly flavorful, and damn it, that's how they like it. (see: prototypical English breakfast¹)

* Big fans of toast, thick socks, and questionable fashion decisions (tweed)

* Frequently disappointed, often before anything has happened

* Most pessimistic country in the World Cup

* Loves awkward looking white dudes who are very gritty and cerebral

* Hates change because it's usually leads to joining the European Union or "The Only Way is Essex"

* Crushed by expectations

* Never win anything

@cjane87 probably England, founded the damn sport and has almost no hope of actually succeeding for decades

— Matt (@dudebrabroman) June 11, 2014

THE BIG TEN

* Old and proud of it. Every bar is somewhere Forest Evashevski got hammered while yelling obscenities at literally anyone who passed by. Probably you, you damn cheapskate.

* Full of food that is salty and rich but not particularly flavorful, but damn it, that's how they like it (see: all food produced in Canton, OH)

* Big fans of toast, warm socks, and questionable fashion decisions (socks with sandals)

* Frequently disappointed, often before anything has happened

* Most likely to create a food out of random pig parts and give it an innocuous-sounding German name

* Loves awkward looking white dudes who are very gritty and cerebral

* Hates change because it usually leads to getting brutally assaulted by Alabama on national television

* Crushed by expectations

* Never win anything

¹ Bacon, toast, grilled tomatoes, black pudding, mushrooms, eggs. I would become a fairly strict adherent to a religion based around the English breakfast.