THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL IS THOROUGHLY UNATHLETIC

The following is a partial list of things that, if you asked me to do them right now, I am confident I would either fail at or injure myself attempting, or both:

- Throwing a baseball
- Hitting a tennis serve successfully
- Taking a charge
- Exchanging a baton mid-sprint
- Anything ice hockey
- Like, even just skating competently
- Kicking a field goal
- Tackling someone, of course
- That also includes a slide tackle in soccer
- Left-handed/left-footed everything
- Spiking a volleyball
- Surfing
- Any bike trick above a very short wheelie
- Frisbee golf (I am 100% fine with this)
- Parallel bars
- Pommel horse
- Rings
- The trampoline one
- Butterfly stroke
- Jai alai
- Jumping a hurdle
- Biathlon 
- Polo, water or horse
- Pole vault
- Any lumberjack sport

Basically, I'm terrible at everything. It is with that in mind that I offer the most humble of bow downs to Shelby Osborne, a 5'6", 140 pound teenager who could whoop my ass at football and, in all likelihood, any of the above activities. But in a bake-off? OH SHELBY YOU DONE MESSED WITH THE WRONG SNICKERDOODLE MASTER.