FAILED EXPEDITION LEADER JOHN FRANKLIN SAYS NO TO RUTGERS

Hello, failed expedition leader Rear-Admiral John Franklin.

HI.

So I hear you have some thoughts on Rutgers joining the Big Ten.

SURE DO.

But first, why don't you introduce yourself to our readers?

I ATTEMPTED TO NAVIGATE THE CANADIAN ARCTIC TO FIND THE NORTHWEST PASSAGE. I MAY HAVE FROZEN TO DEATH. OR DIED OF LEAD POISONING. OR SUCCUMBED TO THE NUMBING VOID OF OVERWHELMING STARVATION. OR SLOWLY DISINTEGRATED AS A RESULT OF SCURVY. I LOOKED KIND OF LIKE DANNY DEVITO'S SERIOUS OLDER BROTHER WHO STILL KEEPS TRYING TO MAKE DANNY STOP FOOLING AROUND AND GET A REAL JOB AS A FORENSIC AUDITOR BECAUSE WHAT ARE YOU REALLY DOING WITH YOUR LIFE, DANNY?

I see. And you died, uh, 147 years ago this month?

YEP.

But you still don't think Rutgers is right for the Big Ten.

THAT'S CORRECT.

May I ask why?

YOU EVER MET A RUTGERS MAN?

Well, yes, but...

YOU EVER LOOKED INTO THE SEEPING PUSTULE THAT WAS 19TH CENTURY NEW JERSEY?

Well, no, because I'm..

WELL I HAVE.

But that was a long time ago.

NOTHING HAS CHANGED BUT THE CALENDAR AND THE TREATMENT FOR DROPSY, MA'AM.

I mean, I guess so, but I still don't understand your objection to Rutgers in the Big Ten.

OF COURSE YOU WOULDN'T. WITH YOUR BLOOMERS AND YOUR COMPASSES AND YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF WHY BERI-BERI OCCURS, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT A SCOURGE RUTGERS WILL BE UPON THE WEST.

The Midwest.

WHAT?

Never mind.

ANYWAY, I KNEW A FEW OF THOSE QUEEN'S COLLEGE BOYS, AND LET ME TELL YOU, THE NORTHWEST ORDINANCE OF 1787 STRICTLY PROHIBITS ANY OF THEIR SHENANIGANS. I HAVEN'T SEEN BEHAVIOR LIKE THAT SINCE THAT TIME I SERVED IN TASMANIA AND ME AND MY OLD LADY...WELL... LET'S JUST SAY THAT THERE'S A REASON THEY CALLED IT A 'PENAL COLONY.'

Ew.

WHAT?

Never mind.

ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT LETTING RUTGERS MINUET ITS WAY INTO THE BIG TEN IS A BAD IDEA, AND I VOLUNTARILY SAILED ON A SHIP CALLED THE HMS TERROR. I ALSO HAD OUR FOOD AND WATER STORED AND TRANSPORTED IN VESSELS MADE OF LEAD, WHICH, I KNOW, BUT IT WAS LIKE, 1845 AND IT SEEMED LIKE A TERRIFIC IDEA. I TOTALLY GRANT THAT NOW IT LOOKS BAD, BUT RUTGERS IN THE BIG TEN WOULD BE WORSE.

Why?

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO TRUST A SCHOOL THAT WENT BROKE TWICE IN THIRTY YEARS?

That was a long time ago. I mean...

LIKE I SAID, THE ONLY THING THAT'S CHANGED SINCE RUTGERS WAS RUN BY A BUNCH OF IMPOVERISHED THEOLOGIANS IS THE INVENTION OF PLASTICS AND MICROWAVE BURRITOS. AND NAMING IT AFTER HENRY RUTGERS. YOU GIVE A SCHOOL A BELL AND ALL OF A SUDDEN YOUR NAME IS ON THE FRONT FREAKING GATE.

This doesn't have anything to do with football.

WHAT?

Never mind. Let's, uh, wrap this up.

ALL I'VE GOT TO SAY IS PUTTING RUTGERS IN THE BIG TEN WILL FAIL WORSE THAN THAT DAMNED COTTON GIN, AND I STRONGLY RECOMMEND NOT USING LEAD IN EVERYDAY COOKING. ADDS A STRANGE AFTERTASTE AND MAKES THE MEN ALL FUNNY-LIKE.

Okay. Thanks for your time.

I'VE GOT PLENTY. YOU EVER WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY WINTER AT GREAT BEAR LAKE BACK IN '25, YOU JUST LET ME KNOW.

I'll do that.