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Put that down, Purdue Pete.
Put that down, Purdue Pete.

Oh, hey, Purdue, everyone in the Big Ten saw that it was your birthday/was reminded that it was your birthday kind of late today because yesterday was Cinco de Mayo and you KNOW Wisconsin went hard last night so if you could just turn off the lights and not talk that'd be pretty solid, man.

Anyway, we all got together and we got you a few things:

OHIO STATE GOT PURDUE: An emotional terrorist attack!

MICHIGAN GOT PURDUE: This hook-and-ladder play from 2008. But our revenge will be sweet, oh yes. It will involve a white-collar crime ring and sub-prime mortgages and YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HITS YOU UNTIL YOUR LAWYER TELLS YOU ABOUT IT DURING PRELIMINARY ARGUMENTS MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

IOWA GOT PURDUE: 10,000 tickets to the Iowa-Purdue game from 2013! DON'T LOOK AT THE RECEIPT, PURDUE, THAT'S RUDE.

NEBRASKA GOT PURDUE: These very excited BTN announcers! They sound so happy! DON'T LOOK AT THE SCORE, PURDUE.

MINNESOTA GAVE PURDUE: This win in 2011, brought to you by "Minnesota was hot buttered awful!"

MICHIGAN STATE GOT PURDUE: This win from 2005. Curtis Painter! Drew Stanton! It's like the damn Legends Ball of shitty Big Ten teams of the 2000s!

NORTHWESTERN GAVE PURDUE: a highlight video from a 13-10 loss that 805 people have watched. Has anyone checked on those 805 people?

ILLINOIS GAVE PURDUE: These incredibly slanted highlights of an actual Purdue victory at Illinois!

INDIANA GAVE PURDUE: This absolutely awful video of times Purdue football beat Indiana football! Watching this video is the nadir of my life! I'll be wandering into traffic now, thanks!

PENN STATE GAVE PURDUE: Finding nice things to give Purdue is really, really, really hard, you guys. Here's a Drew Brees highlight video.

WISCONSIN GAVE PURDUE: This Kyle Orton score! Just forget about the four minutes following this moment! You don't want to think about that right now! It's your birthday! Yaaay!