THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL DISAPPROVES OF YOUR WALL DECOR

Today's recruiting poster from Alabama. pic.twitter.com/5tlFOdzpCH

— Cecil Hurt (@CecilHurt) May 6, 2014

(clears throat)
(coughs up chunk of John Parker Wilson's hair)

Now, Pawwwwl, I'm very proud of our former players who wind up gettin' drafted this year. AJ McCarron is one heckuva leader, and whoever else gets taken did a great job being led by AJ. I hope they all succeed in the NFL and remember that they wouldn't have got there without Bama. And I hope they do that rememberin' with their checkbook. Coach Saban says we need new waterslides if we wanna get the best recruits!

But this kind of advertisin' campaign? Now, I just can't get on board with it. We need kids who want to come to play for the Tide, Pawwwwwwwl, not who just want to get some free food on their way to pro football. Ideally, Bama's only takin' kids who, if they had a choice, would play Bama football well into their 50s. These eligibility rules are just another way to try to make things more "even" or "fair" or some socialist bull. You don't think Trent Richardson wishes he was still runnin' behind our o-line?

Some of these recruits just wanna play their two years and get out. Well, that might be the worst kind of hurry-up in football, Pawwwwwwwwwwwwwl. If the NFL was about integrity instead of money, they'd up the age minimum. Thirty-five seems about right. Let these kids be kids, dangit!

In fact, we shouldn't even be talkin' about the pros at all. Deny the NFL even exists, and convince the players that there is no football outside of Bama football. It'll be like that M. Night Shymarmalade movie. The one with the shitty ending. Then, once they graduate, we'll be all "Surprise! Ten of you are going to make millions, and the rest of you, um, well, Roll Tide!"