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THE BIG 12 WORST-CASE CONFERENCE PREVIEW

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OPTIMISM IS OVERRATED

John Rieger-USA TODAY Sports

BAYLOR: The Eldjötnar that was held captive under the Holy Tarp of Enchantedness Sponsored By Dr. Pepper unleashes decades of pent-up rage on the football program, culminating in a conference-opening loss on the road to Iowa State. (All Norse mythology predicts that the world's end will begin in Ames.)

IOWA STATE: Paul Rhoads completes his transformation into a very positive and supportive sasquatch. The Jets hire him right before the season starts.

KANSAS: Honestly, I have no idea. Another 1 or 2 win season might mean Weis gets fired. An out-of-nowhere nine win season or better could lead to Weis getting a contract extension. All outcomes are equally terrible in Kansas, and therefore all outcomes are equally wonderful. Jayhawks Football: Sleep Is The Only Time You Are Truly Free!

KANSAS STATE: Beats Auburn in Week 4, runs the table in conference play through November, wins a thriller against Baylor to close the season, and is left out of the playoff because "we just forgot they were a thing."

OKLAHOMA: Media outlets are already putting the Sooners at or near the top in their preseason rankings. You have seen this movie a hundred times. You have memorized the ending. And yet it never, ever, ever gets old.

OKLAHOMA STATE: Ever eager to prove his masculine bona fides, Coach Gundy buys a motorcycle and demands everyone start referring to him as "Bike Mike." Bike Mike insists on riding his motorcycle on the sideline during games. Bike Mike injures several assistants, players, and Pistol Pete. Bike Mike offers no apologies for his unsafe and thoughtless actions, because APOLOGIES ARE FOR GIRLS.

TCU: Goes 3-9 after it turns out Matt Joeckel is just a modern Trojan Horse full of feral cats.

TEXAS: September headline - "Strong Sees Foundation For A Strong Future In Loss To BYU"
October headline - "After Red River Drubbing, Texas QB Job Is Open"
November headline - "For Fuck's Sake West Virginia Beat Us Are You Serious"
December headline - "Longhorn Fans Welcome New Head Coach Bobby Petrino"

TEXAS TECH: Tabloids get a hold of Kliff Kingsbury without his toupee on.

WEST VIRGINIA: Oliver Luck announces in November that Dana Holgorsen will be allowed to coach out the remainder of the season but will not be retained. This means Dana Holgorsen has nothing to lose. You - and by you we include the National Guard - do not want to deal with Dana Holgorsen when he has nothing to lose.