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BAMA NEEDS AN OPPONENT AND THERE IS ONLY ONE ANSWER

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WHAT HAS TWO EYES, FEATHERS, AND IS UNDEFEATED AGAINST THE CRIMSON TIDE?

Justin Ford-USA TODAY Sports

You want to fill that hole in your schedule up, well, Alabama, we got some suggestions. A few of them are obvious: the teams Alabama has played, but never beaten. You're saying that's an error in the record books, and we're askin' why you trustin' what a book got to say about the world anyway. There's only three books you need in life, anyway: the Bible, The Last Coach, and Divergent by Veronica Roth. (We know what you're sayin', but the pages! They damn near turn themselves!)

Those schools are:

Camp Gordon

Carlisle Indian School

UCF

Cumberland

Georgia Navy Pre-Flight

New Orleans AC

Northern Illinois

Oklahoma State

Rice

Utah

Villanova

Wisconsin

This is not a typo: the University of Alabama has never beaten Rice, and is 0-3 against the Owls including the infamous tackle off the bench by Tommy Lewis.

Lewis would explain the tackle afterwards by saying that he was "too full of Alabama," a condition now recognized by the CDC as a very serious form of heavy metal poisoning.

The point is that Alabama only has two options, really: get revenge on the Owls by scheduling them and actually beating them for once, or play yourselves in the world's first Alabama/Alabama matchup. And in response, Rice must decline the invitation no matter the sum of money, and mount a sign on the upper deck of their stadium reading "UNDEFEATED AGAINST THE CRIMSON TIDE, FOREVER." That'd be a juvenile and profit-hating thing to do to yourselves, Rice, but it'd be the only thing to do.

P.S. DON'T SCHEDULE GEORGIA SOUTHERN. THEY'RE INCREDIBLE.